Or, to ask my child, nothing but NO love. The conditions of her illness means that I have to keep a tighter rein on her and to deny her certain freedoms she CLAIMS her friends enjoy. So, to her, that means I don't love her because I don't let her do what she wants when she wants and of course, that is followed by the usual chorus of "I hate you!".
The latest round of "hate" cries came out of this weekend. After managing to miss 13 of the last 18 days at her new school, including Friday, SHE decided she was going to spend the night at a friend's house. Plans had been made, calls and texts exchanged--only no one had asked me beforehand. Much drama ensued and I finally caved--just because I was sick of hearing her tantrums. But, I reminded her, there were things on the schedule for us that required she be home and not roaming the streets. "Oh, I'll be home in time!"
Uh-huh... We know how THAT turned out. I had to cancel a morning appointment because she didn't make it home until after 2 in the afternoon.
Then, knowing I had an invitation to a party being thrown by my local manager, she invited her friend to spend the night! That girl's mother is also bi-polar, so she is no help. She thinks it is perfectly normal to drop her kid off randomly at the homes of others and then wander off for the night. But, she didn't know about my plans (more on that in a minute). Meanwhile, just before it was time for me to leave, the girls decided to wander off. I couldn't leave until they came home because it was dark. That, of course, took away from my evening. Did SHE care? Nope!
Then came the phone calls... "Mom, XXX's mom needs to know when you are coming home because she can't stay if you aren't here." The cut-off point was around 9 PM, but the party was scheduled to go on till 10 or 11. More calls, more texts... I ended up having to leave around 8:30 because it was too nerve-wracking. And then she tells me I have no friends because no one likes me--more like I have friends, but they don't invite me to too many things because of HER antics.
During this time, I told HER to take her meds. Did she? Of course not. In addition, she managed to NOT remember to take her medication with her to her friend's house on Friday. So we are talking a day with no meds! SHE never sees the correlation between missing her medications and her increase in risky behavior. That behavior got really stupid last night.
On the way home, I got a call for mac-and-cheese. I stopped at the store, got the stuff, went home with it and made it for the girls. I also had to hold the evening meds under you-know-who's face till she took them. But it was late and there was trouble brewing because of the other missed medications.
Around 11:30, they decided they wanted to take pictures in the dark, so they went outside. One of them (I don't know who) left BOTH doors to the outside open. That was all the invitation our old cat needed to sneak out and tussle with the yard cats. SHE came into my room, all hysterical because she couldn't find the cat. I got up and went out with them to try and find him. Luckily, he was still in the carport and I nudged him to the porch and he went back into the house. Meanwhile, SHE was crying and the hysteria hit. Screaming, crying, the "I hate you!" over and over because I was not as sympathetic to her tears as she wanted. Why should I tell her everything was OK? She did something irresponsible because she refused to take responsibility for her illness and to take her medications; the cat was also in danger because the yard cats are very young and could have hurt him badly.
Why should she take any responsibility? I am not going to be around forever and her taking personal responsibility for the means to control her condition is going to be a requirement to live independent of an institutional setting. But who am I kidding? SHE won't even take personal responsibility for getting up and going to school and I am expecting her to be able to be independent? HA!
But I don't love her, according to her. I love her, but damn! I am losing myself because I have so much invested in keeping her on this side of the padded rooms. It may not be love the way she sees things, but you know what? No one else I know would have put up with her this long without locking her away by now.
Showing posts with label medication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label medication. Show all posts
20 December 2009
12 June 2009
I am SO tired of this
SHE has decided not to come home again tonight. No meds (which I KNOW she is skipping when she goes to her friends' homes overnight), no change of clothes, other people's stuff... I am seriously contemplating going over to the place she says she is going to be and drag her out. But what good would it do? Do I tell every single parent of every one of her friends that my kid has mental disorders and *might* be dangerous?
I changed the passwords again on her MySpace accounts because I am tired of this. I am about to lock her phone again so the only texts/calls she can get would be from me.
I am so sick of her talking to me like I am a freakin' menial. I am also sick of her thinking that SHE is in charge of everything. I am sick of trying to deal with ten different people with the same face.
I got six of them today and, at times, it seemed like they were coming at me as if on a merry-go-round--one after the other in a rapid circle. I at least got Abby for a little while. For a few brief moments, I had my sweet little girl who loves me and respects me. Then Beast took over and that was it. Cussing me out, calling me names, hanging up the phone non-stop...
This may be the breaking point that decides the trip to the hospital. Only--I can't reach a single doctor on the weekend to pre-cert the stay. It will involve both insurances, so that is going to be a big problem. Insurance A will allow the psychologist to cert, but not Insurance B--it requires the psychiatrist to do the papers. Trying to get the latter to do paperwork is like pulling freaking hens' teeth. Trying to REACH him is like looking for hens' teeth in the first place. That is what is holding up the IEP at the school and many other things--the shrink is never around to sign forms.
The other day, when SHE wandered off, she swears some guy tried to get her in his car. SHE got away that time, but what about the next? SHE thinks I would be happy to see her gone, but that is so far from the truth. I just want her to be stable enough to function fully in society and not on the fringes, which is kind of where she is now. Unfortunately, many of her friends are just as mental as she is and so that fringe life DOES look "normal" to her.
I am so tempted to take any job offered me to get her out of this place before she ends up on 4th Street with someone beating her up for not making her quota... That is what happened to someone I know who was just like my child and it scares the death out of me.
As for my health--I went to work sick because I can't just wonder off at random like some people. I have to make sure there is a roof over our heads, food in the bowls and sanitary facilities. That last is a joke because Danya throws everything on the floor, being too good to deal with trash cans. That is what the maid (me) is for. I hate Danya.
My work IS being affected because SHE calls me non-stop from the time she wakes up and picks fights with me. She wants me to take her all over town on my 30-minute lunch period, come home to open a can of vegetables or to tell her where SHE lost one of her things in the trash heaps SHE has created. I have just about given up keeping the house presentable because Beast will throw things all over the place to find an eyeliner. God forbid any of the crew puts anything back in its proper place (though Abby may occasionally hang up a towel).
The latest favorite thing of the Beast is to hit or kick my breasts because someone told her that doing so would cause cancer. I have already had problems with cysts and lesions, so I guess that one will get her wish re causing more problems. Thing is, none of them have figured out that killing me means SHE will be institutionalized as no one in the family wants to deal with any of her issues.
I changed the passwords again on her MySpace accounts because I am tired of this. I am about to lock her phone again so the only texts/calls she can get would be from me.
I am so sick of her talking to me like I am a freakin' menial. I am also sick of her thinking that SHE is in charge of everything. I am sick of trying to deal with ten different people with the same face.
I got six of them today and, at times, it seemed like they were coming at me as if on a merry-go-round--one after the other in a rapid circle. I at least got Abby for a little while. For a few brief moments, I had my sweet little girl who loves me and respects me. Then Beast took over and that was it. Cussing me out, calling me names, hanging up the phone non-stop...
This may be the breaking point that decides the trip to the hospital. Only--I can't reach a single doctor on the weekend to pre-cert the stay. It will involve both insurances, so that is going to be a big problem. Insurance A will allow the psychologist to cert, but not Insurance B--it requires the psychiatrist to do the papers. Trying to get the latter to do paperwork is like pulling freaking hens' teeth. Trying to REACH him is like looking for hens' teeth in the first place. That is what is holding up the IEP at the school and many other things--the shrink is never around to sign forms.
The other day, when SHE wandered off, she swears some guy tried to get her in his car. SHE got away that time, but what about the next? SHE thinks I would be happy to see her gone, but that is so far from the truth. I just want her to be stable enough to function fully in society and not on the fringes, which is kind of where she is now. Unfortunately, many of her friends are just as mental as she is and so that fringe life DOES look "normal" to her.
I am so tempted to take any job offered me to get her out of this place before she ends up on 4th Street with someone beating her up for not making her quota... That is what happened to someone I know who was just like my child and it scares the death out of me.
As for my health--I went to work sick because I can't just wonder off at random like some people. I have to make sure there is a roof over our heads, food in the bowls and sanitary facilities. That last is a joke because Danya throws everything on the floor, being too good to deal with trash cans. That is what the maid (me) is for. I hate Danya.
My work IS being affected because SHE calls me non-stop from the time she wakes up and picks fights with me. She wants me to take her all over town on my 30-minute lunch period, come home to open a can of vegetables or to tell her where SHE lost one of her things in the trash heaps SHE has created. I have just about given up keeping the house presentable because Beast will throw things all over the place to find an eyeliner. God forbid any of the crew puts anything back in its proper place (though Abby may occasionally hang up a towel).
The latest favorite thing of the Beast is to hit or kick my breasts because someone told her that doing so would cause cancer. I have already had problems with cysts and lesions, so I guess that one will get her wish re causing more problems. Thing is, none of them have figured out that killing me means SHE will be institutionalized as no one in the family wants to deal with any of her issues.
11 June 2009
This has got to stop!!
Just about every night this week, SHE has wandered off to someone's house to stay the night. I do not know what she is looking for at those other places, but she is not finding it. Two days this week she has skipped her meds (claiming to have forgotten), each time resulting in the Beast waking up.
We came to blows Monday night because she lost her mind over a misunderstood request about t-shirt designs. SHE swung a wooden craft box at me and (sad to say) I hit her near her eye. SHE then tried to scratch my right eye out. I have a slight tear on the cornea and have been seeing fuzzy all week. But that matters not to her. It is all good if it hurts ME.
To make matters worse, her BFF's mother is very New Age and is trying to "help" her with meditation and crystals. This woman means well, but she does not "get" that what SHE has is different than what the BBF's sister has. I am tired of having to constantly explain to people that they cannot indulge my daughter's outrageous antics or encourage her to express her feelings the way SHE wants to. That only results in a display of verbal sewage worthy of the Diceman.
It makes it so hard to talk about the good things she has achieved these last few weeks. SHE managed to squeak by with a D in English, so she does get to go to the 8th grade if she takes Math in summer school. It won't happen because she won't stay around the house to go. She's also picked up a new art skill--making resin jewelry. Expensive hobby for me to deal with, but she is doing something besides playing on MySpace, eating or wandering the streets.
In fact, her street wandering almost got her in a lot of trouble. SHE claims someone saw her wandering around when she locked herself out of the house and tried to convince her to get in his car. The story she tells is that, when he went to reach for her, she grabbed her hairspray out of her tote bag and sprayed him in the eyes, then ran. No description of guy or car, of course. IF it happened, good for her for having quick reflexes. But that should have told her that people are NOT nice and they DO try to snatch up girls even in broad daylight. Nope. She is at her friend's house again and she plans to walk home by herself in the morning when she wakes up. I really am afraid I will get a call to come ID her body one day soon because SHE thinks she is invincible when Beast and Danya take over.
We came to blows Monday night because she lost her mind over a misunderstood request about t-shirt designs. SHE swung a wooden craft box at me and (sad to say) I hit her near her eye. SHE then tried to scratch my right eye out. I have a slight tear on the cornea and have been seeing fuzzy all week. But that matters not to her. It is all good if it hurts ME.
To make matters worse, her BFF's mother is very New Age and is trying to "help" her with meditation and crystals. This woman means well, but she does not "get" that what SHE has is different than what the BBF's sister has. I am tired of having to constantly explain to people that they cannot indulge my daughter's outrageous antics or encourage her to express her feelings the way SHE wants to. That only results in a display of verbal sewage worthy of the Diceman.
It makes it so hard to talk about the good things she has achieved these last few weeks. SHE managed to squeak by with a D in English, so she does get to go to the 8th grade if she takes Math in summer school. It won't happen because she won't stay around the house to go. She's also picked up a new art skill--making resin jewelry. Expensive hobby for me to deal with, but she is doing something besides playing on MySpace, eating or wandering the streets.
In fact, her street wandering almost got her in a lot of trouble. SHE claims someone saw her wandering around when she locked herself out of the house and tried to convince her to get in his car. The story she tells is that, when he went to reach for her, she grabbed her hairspray out of her tote bag and sprayed him in the eyes, then ran. No description of guy or car, of course. IF it happened, good for her for having quick reflexes. But that should have told her that people are NOT nice and they DO try to snatch up girls even in broad daylight. Nope. She is at her friend's house again and she plans to walk home by herself in the morning when she wakes up. I really am afraid I will get a call to come ID her body one day soon because SHE thinks she is invincible when Beast and Danya take over.
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