Still no resolution for her case. SHE is still in the facility and the visits I was supposed to have never happened. So I only have seen her ONCE--back in April--since she went in. We're supposed to be rebuilding our relationship HOW? 40 minutes of phone calls and one 50-minute telephone therapy session a week? 90 monitored minutes to mend years of pain and distrust...
SHE was supposed to come home the beginning of July, so I didn't get to go see her as promised. Then it was pushed back to the 21st. Well, that didn't happened. Nor will the new date they promised (this Friday).
Meanwhile, the court date has been rescheduled to next month because, with all the budget cuts in the county, she no longer has the same PO and the new one hasn't bothered to read her case history OR call me. I heard from the lawyer or I wouldn't have known that much. I expect that, in order to keep the Medicaid coverage, the judge may order her into foster care instead of letting her come home--when they finally bring her back.
Unfortunately, the longer they wait, the more is being undone. SHE gets very upset when she thinks a promise (whether made or not) has been broken. All the delays are busting her hump and she is getting whiny and belligerent again. SHE is also starting to fall back on her old coping habits of demanding crap she knows she can't possibly have as well as pining for the same asshat friends that got her where she is now.
There are other stresses--my job and the changes there, unresolved issues with her father (coming out here WITH his mother and never bothering to let her meet her granddaughter KNOWING WE LIVE RIGHT DOWN THE ROAD from where they were staying? BULLSHIT!) and the crippling ennui I have for doing anything to prepare for the eventual homecoming...
I keep talking an upbeat game to her but no one is doing that for me. :(
Showing posts with label mental illness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mental illness. Show all posts
27 July 2011
05 May 2011
A longer winter and spring
That evaluation was a long time ago. It was also about the last time SHE was home for any length of time.
SHE showed up at the last minute for the court psychologist, who was not sure what the hell to do with her, so he said to wait for the next court date (a few days later). Well, Ms. Smartass took off the night before that date and went off with Anyway, she called me a scant two hours before court to come get her so she could change clothes and clean up.
SHE was stoned out of her mind and the judge got that right away and put her under house arrest with a tracking device after ordering her to residential care (once a placement could be arranged). That lasted about five days before she invited that turd adult male over to sleep on our patio. This is the same turd who was using her to refer "customers" to him for drugs. He was also supplying them to her. I ordered him off my property and she took off with him--WITH the tracker on! I filed a police report because I was not in the mood to be in a position where I might have to ID a body otherwise. SHE called me again just a few hours before the next court hearing to get her.
Yes, SHE was stoned again when she went before the judge and he remanded her into custody while the treatment was arranged.
I could and will write a book about THAT nightmarish process. It should have taken, at the most, a month for placement but it dragged out for months. Since my insurance was going to be used to pay the majority of the costs, I insisted on a say on where my money would be going. I didn't want her in that pimp academy in Utah (CW), that was for certain. Just about everyone I know who ever had a daughter sent to that place ended up having to retrieve them from a street corner hundreds of miles away--open campus near a major interstate and in a neighborhood not known for its genteel atmosphere, if you get my drift.
I wanted her in a facility in the city where she was born, both to get her as far away from here as possible and to make sure some family would be around for support. I have a pile of emails where that supposedly was going to happen, but then a PO got a case of the ass and bolloxed it up.
October rolled by and she missed Halloween for the first time ever. Into November, the judge making the decision had to go on leave because his wife had a baby and the sub judge refused to make any rulings. Meanwhile, SHE found a way to cut while in jail and ended up in an acute ward for a while. That should have put her on the fast track to the treatment facility. Again, I have the emails where there was even a promise that she would be on the plane to Hometown Facility "within days", but then there were "delays".
Out of the acute ward and back into jail meanwhile... SHE was getting a great education on where she could "bounce", several invitations to join girls and their pimps, a few drug connections, etc. But no psychiatric help. SHE continued to hurt herself, but they kept her in isolation in the cell block when she did that. Finally, the regular judge got back and got pissed because she was still there. He ordered her home to wait just before Christmas, again with the ankle tracker. Why? Because he rightfully believed jail was no place for her; he also believed the bullcrap that the POs were tossing about placement being "any day now".
This last Christmas was the most hellish I think I have ever gone through in years and there were some bad years! SHE was belligerent, threatening, defiant and still sure she was 10 feet tall and bulletproof. I would go to work and she would invite the turd and his buddies over to the house where they would eat all the food, steal my stuff and blatantly help her break more laws. The breaking point was the night I went to a PTA meeting and they came to my house again, bringing drugs with them again. I got home and the assholes were in my driveway bold as brass. I chased them off again and threatened to call the cops.
SHE swore they had just stopped by minutes before, so I wouldn't get her in trouble. Against my better judgement, I let it go. But I did report it to that stupid PO who was supposed to be monitoring her but who never did her damned job.
Next day, I got a call from the school to get there right away, My daughter was freaking out and had gone to a counselor to get help for her "meth addiction". SHE was still on a whatever it is you call a tweaker high and had gotten paranoid. When I got there, there were counselors and nurses and campus cops all taking statements and trying to find her PO (voice mail full AGAIN). SHE was on a crying jag and begging everyone not to get her in trouble, the cops were telling me I better take her to the hospital or have child services on ME, the counselors were getting in my face... I told the cops to call an ambulance because I knew trying to take her in my car would end up badly. We spent the entire rest of the day at the ER while they pumped her full of stuff to flush her system.
Meanwhile, the little beotch was texting her friends that she was planning a "house arrest party" for the next day while I was at work. The hospital released her to me after another psych eval (they couldn't get her in that night or they would have taken her) and a discussion with the PO supervisor. Got to the house--there was some random friend sitting there waiting to have a sleepover. Her mother just dropped her off and left without a question or a way to reach her, so I was stuck.
SHE and her friend claimed they were going to just make cupcakes and "chill". I still had to work the next morning, but I put out the word on her social network accounts that I would take action against anyone showing up for that proposed party. Mid-afternoon, my neighbor called because they were herding her into a squad car. I expected it and tried to warn her, but she insisted on that party. That was the Saturday after New Year's. It was also the last time she has been home.
More acute ward because she was banging her head and arms on walls, more court dates, more lies by the POs, more pissed-off judge who was worried because he didn't want Katie Couric to find out he was not that smart (he's supposed to be some sort of crusader/protector of at-risk girls). It took three weeks to get her placed, but not where I wanted because of all the drama. She ended up at the other end of the same state, though.
I didn't get to see her off because I had to work pretty much non-stop that week and some jerk higher-up decided to make me miserable for trying to take time off to deal with her. I was at the tail end of a 90-hour week when I found out she had already been put on a plane (in the middle of the night, no less) and shipped out. That resulted in me cussing said jerk out, loudly and specifically.
So, SHE has been gone since the end of January and spent her 15th birthday 2000 miles away from here. I got to see her last month for a long weekend. But I do get the dubious privilege of paying all the bills (so no bitching about support money--see below about insurance) because *someone* still has crappy insurance that doesn't cover any of the care. There is some improvement, but she still obsesses over money and even today had a meltdown because she didn't like hearing she couldn't get a job at her age, especially since she would still be on probation when she got out. Her choice of jobs also caused a confrontation because she thinks she could be a DJ at the same rave venues where the people who gave her drugs still hang out.
To be honest, I don't think she is ready to come home and I am not ready for her to come home. I also have healing to do, but just can't get there. Or motivated to deal with the wreck SHE made of the house... Besides, my boss thinks me not having a kid in the house means that I can work pretty much 24/7 for free.
The sad thing is that I love her, but am so scared of the prospect that SHE might possibly be brought back home in just a few weeks (I suspect it would be more because my insurance doesn't want to pay anymore for full residential). I have had a physical break, but I still need to get over the shit I've also had to deal with for the past several years. I think back to that scene in the parking lot of her ballet school a few years back when she melted down and wish I had just taken her to the nearest facility then. Maybe then, I wouldn't be afraid of her to be around me without backup.
SHE showed up at the last minute for the court psychologist, who was not sure what the hell to do with her, so he said to wait for the next court date (a few days later). Well, Ms. Smartass took off the night before that date and went off with Anyway, she called me a scant two hours before court to come get her so she could change clothes and clean up.
SHE was stoned out of her mind and the judge got that right away and put her under house arrest with a tracking device after ordering her to residential care (once a placement could be arranged). That lasted about five days before she invited that turd adult male over to sleep on our patio. This is the same turd who was using her to refer "customers" to him for drugs. He was also supplying them to her. I ordered him off my property and she took off with him--WITH the tracker on! I filed a police report because I was not in the mood to be in a position where I might have to ID a body otherwise. SHE called me again just a few hours before the next court hearing to get her.
Yes, SHE was stoned again when she went before the judge and he remanded her into custody while the treatment was arranged.
I could and will write a book about THAT nightmarish process. It should have taken, at the most, a month for placement but it dragged out for months. Since my insurance was going to be used to pay the majority of the costs, I insisted on a say on where my money would be going. I didn't want her in that pimp academy in Utah (CW), that was for certain. Just about everyone I know who ever had a daughter sent to that place ended up having to retrieve them from a street corner hundreds of miles away--open campus near a major interstate and in a neighborhood not known for its genteel atmosphere, if you get my drift.
I wanted her in a facility in the city where she was born, both to get her as far away from here as possible and to make sure some family would be around for support. I have a pile of emails where that supposedly was going to happen, but then a PO got a case of the ass and bolloxed it up.
October rolled by and she missed Halloween for the first time ever. Into November, the judge making the decision had to go on leave because his wife had a baby and the sub judge refused to make any rulings. Meanwhile, SHE found a way to cut while in jail and ended up in an acute ward for a while. That should have put her on the fast track to the treatment facility. Again, I have the emails where there was even a promise that she would be on the plane to Hometown Facility "within days", but then there were "delays".
Out of the acute ward and back into jail meanwhile... SHE was getting a great education on where she could "bounce", several invitations to join girls and their pimps, a few drug connections, etc. But no psychiatric help. SHE continued to hurt herself, but they kept her in isolation in the cell block when she did that. Finally, the regular judge got back and got pissed because she was still there. He ordered her home to wait just before Christmas, again with the ankle tracker. Why? Because he rightfully believed jail was no place for her; he also believed the bullcrap that the POs were tossing about placement being "any day now".
This last Christmas was the most hellish I think I have ever gone through in years and there were some bad years! SHE was belligerent, threatening, defiant and still sure she was 10 feet tall and bulletproof. I would go to work and she would invite the turd and his buddies over to the house where they would eat all the food, steal my stuff and blatantly help her break more laws. The breaking point was the night I went to a PTA meeting and they came to my house again, bringing drugs with them again. I got home and the assholes were in my driveway bold as brass. I chased them off again and threatened to call the cops.
SHE swore they had just stopped by minutes before, so I wouldn't get her in trouble. Against my better judgement, I let it go. But I did report it to that stupid PO who was supposed to be monitoring her but who never did her damned job.
Next day, I got a call from the school to get there right away, My daughter was freaking out and had gone to a counselor to get help for her "meth addiction". SHE was still on a whatever it is you call a tweaker high and had gotten paranoid. When I got there, there were counselors and nurses and campus cops all taking statements and trying to find her PO (voice mail full AGAIN). SHE was on a crying jag and begging everyone not to get her in trouble, the cops were telling me I better take her to the hospital or have child services on ME, the counselors were getting in my face... I told the cops to call an ambulance because I knew trying to take her in my car would end up badly. We spent the entire rest of the day at the ER while they pumped her full of stuff to flush her system.
Meanwhile, the little beotch was texting her friends that she was planning a "house arrest party" for the next day while I was at work. The hospital released her to me after another psych eval (they couldn't get her in that night or they would have taken her) and a discussion with the PO supervisor. Got to the house--there was some random friend sitting there waiting to have a sleepover. Her mother just dropped her off and left without a question or a way to reach her, so I was stuck.
SHE and her friend claimed they were going to just make cupcakes and "chill". I still had to work the next morning, but I put out the word on her social network accounts that I would take action against anyone showing up for that proposed party. Mid-afternoon, my neighbor called because they were herding her into a squad car. I expected it and tried to warn her, but she insisted on that party. That was the Saturday after New Year's. It was also the last time she has been home.
More acute ward because she was banging her head and arms on walls, more court dates, more lies by the POs, more pissed-off judge who was worried because he didn't want Katie Couric to find out he was not that smart (he's supposed to be some sort of crusader/protector of at-risk girls). It took three weeks to get her placed, but not where I wanted because of all the drama. She ended up at the other end of the same state, though.
I didn't get to see her off because I had to work pretty much non-stop that week and some jerk higher-up decided to make me miserable for trying to take time off to deal with her. I was at the tail end of a 90-hour week when I found out she had already been put on a plane (in the middle of the night, no less) and shipped out. That resulted in me cussing said jerk out, loudly and specifically.
So, SHE has been gone since the end of January and spent her 15th birthday 2000 miles away from here. I got to see her last month for a long weekend. But I do get the dubious privilege of paying all the bills (so no bitching about support money--see below about insurance) because *someone* still has crappy insurance that doesn't cover any of the care. There is some improvement, but she still obsesses over money and even today had a meltdown because she didn't like hearing she couldn't get a job at her age, especially since she would still be on probation when she got out. Her choice of jobs also caused a confrontation because she thinks she could be a DJ at the same rave venues where the people who gave her drugs still hang out.
To be honest, I don't think she is ready to come home and I am not ready for her to come home. I also have healing to do, but just can't get there. Or motivated to deal with the wreck SHE made of the house... Besides, my boss thinks me not having a kid in the house means that I can work pretty much 24/7 for free.
The sad thing is that I love her, but am so scared of the prospect that SHE might possibly be brought back home in just a few weeks (I suspect it would be more because my insurance doesn't want to pay anymore for full residential). I have had a physical break, but I still need to get over the shit I've also had to deal with for the past several years. I think back to that scene in the parking lot of her ballet school a few years back when she melted down and wish I had just taken her to the nearest facility then. Maybe then, I wouldn't be afraid of her to be around me without backup.
08 March 2010
It has come to this
She spent the night in jail last night. The charge was domestic battery after she attacked me for not taking her to Walgreen's to buy something that she didn't need and could have waited for.
It was another weekend of her wandering off at random. First she took off with BFF's family to go watch a cheerleading competition. After that, she went to the teen center on base to hang out with friends. Those two things caused her to miss a therapy appointment. Not good.
You would think a military base would be safe for her, right? Nope! She and her friends promptly left the teen center and were wandering around in the dark after curfew. When I finally tracked her down, she TOLD me she was spending the night with said friends and refused to get in the car. I finally just left her there and told them all they needed to go straight home or the military police would be picking them up.
Next morning, when I went to get her, she asked to go to the mall with those friends because her favorite store was closing and they were selling everything for 25¢ apiece. I only said OK because she swore her friends had their own money. Yeah, right... Both girls' fathers are MSGTs in the AF making close to $5000 or more a month and neither seemed to have their own money. Again, guess who got stuck paying to feed them? As the day wore on, she was transitioning from the Krissy part to the Danya part of herself. And Danya was being a real bitch. At one point she demanded, in the middle of the Food Court, that I hand over my debit card so she could go shopping. REALLY?!?! It was obvious her friends were visibly embarrassed to be near her at that point.
When we finally left the mall to drop her friends off, one girl asked the other about going to church. Danya demanded to go, too. I gently tried to deter her from pushing the issue by hinting to the girl that she needed to tell Danya it was a special thing for military kids only or something. Finally, the girl got the hint and said that she didn't think they were going because her dad had said her mom wasn't feeling good and didn't want to go. Bullet dodged!
But wait! Danya, not to be deterred, texted one of her hoodlum friends to come over in the pouring rain with a promise that I would take her home. I ended up feeding this one, too. What angered me was that they went into the kitchen, opened two packs of Ramen noodles, then left them open on the counter and opened up two cans of ravioli. Never even bothered to put the noodles in a baggie or anything! It took forever to get the hoodlum out of my house to take home and that one had the nerve to tell her mother she was late because I "made [them] wait while I watched something on the Oscars". I almost turned and slapped her, but chewed her out where her mother could hear me because I had been telling them for over half an hour to get moving. Danya's fault, because she tells people to just ignore me because I don't really mean it and I'm just trying to get rid of them.
Anyway, got Hoodlum Girl home and then Danya started demanding I take her to Walgreen's to buy her a bunch of stuff. Considering that I had already informed her and her internal buddies that the ATM was closed for the duration, I was pissed. I had already chewed her out about the money that she thinks I should spend on her friends because they are "poor"--like we aren't? We just get by with the utility increases, premium increases, gas and food increases and I cannot afford to subsidize the entire neighborhood. Yet not a day goes by that she is handing out our stuff like I'm Bill Gates' secret mistress and have access to his bank account (and we know that ain't true--Melissa Gates would have killed me long before now).
Now, every time Danya hears me tell her there isn't any more money for crap spending, she starts calling me a liar and tries to get at my purse. She tried this time, too, so I slapped her on her arm. She punched me back. I told her to get out of the car, but then changed my mind because I didn't feel like going to jail for dumping her in the rain. She got meaner and meaner, slapping at me and calling me names. It was at that point, I think the Beast took over.
By the time we got home, the Beast was in "control", biting, kicking and hitting at me as I tried to get her into the house. She was doing her damnedest to push me off the porch, kicking me in the knees, which are already in bad shape due to a work injury. I managed to get her into the laundry room, but then she started kicking and punching more. I tried to fight back, but she knocked me backwards into a bookcase and then jumped me. At that point, I did what the doctor told me to do in cases like this and called 911 so they would take her in to the psych ward for evaluation. Bad advice!
When the cops got there, she had locked the deadbolts and wouldn't open the door. By then, I had a huge knot on my head and was pretty woozy. The cops got her to open the door and walked through our pigsty of a house (The Beast has trashed it like you would not believe). After interviewing both of us, one of the officers marched her out the door, patted her down and cuffed her. Now, all this time, I had been asking them to do what my doctor told me to ask them but the one cop said they had to take her to Juvie because she assaulted me. That is NOT what I was told would happen. I just wanted her taken in for evaluation, not to be arrested. Meanwhile, despite my repeated warnings, the damned cops left the door open and the cat that got out before got out again. Only this time, we can't find him.
Anyway, she was booked, spent the night in jail (luckily, I was able to make sure they put her in a single cell instead of in the dorm because of her illness) and the case was adjudicated as "time served". When I picked her up, she was sullen and again promised to never love me again. Like she has ever loved anyone other than herself... So instead of the evaluation demanded and that should have been provided by law, she now has a record and a bigger internal problem than before.
The "system" told me to put her in the hospital myself. That would be nice, except that even with two insurances that are supposed to cover 100%, the secondary one from Mississippi (BCBS) refuses to even cover the co-pays billed after the primary pays its share. I can't get the secondary to talk to me because the policy is not in my name.
And here I am... I have a nutjob to deal with, insurance that may as well not exist (but that WILL be fixed, even if it means a return to court), a concussion and a jaw that feels as if it has been slammed by a tire iron (I had to waste a perfectly good sick day on actually being sick). Danya and the Beast have retreated to their dark corners of her mind and Krissy seems to be in the house for now. Hopefully, tonight will be peaceful (relatively speaking). I doubt it, though. She invited more strays over to hang out. One went home already, but the other is still here.
The way stuff disappears around here when her "friends" are around, I'll have to count the silverware again.
Picture from Rick Albertson's blog: http://compellingvisualstories.blogspot.com/2006/04/angel-behind-bars-antiqua-guatemala.html
19 July 2009
I am so tired, part whatever
This has been another banner week for the monsters, for sure...
For the past two weeks, I have had to put in some overnight shifts and then try to sleep during the day. SHE thought it was funny to keep bothering me every afternoon while I attempted to nap--demanding food, drinks or for me to take her to the store to spend money we do not have for frivolities. I maybe got 20 hours over ten days, so I was worn out before all this happened.
HER latest shockwave started over the hair again. SHE has to go back to her original blond and leave it alone so her scalp can heal from all the crap. Since the beginning of the year, there have been more chemicals dumped on her head than I have had in my entire life and that stuff is now damaging her actual scalp. SHE has freaking BALD spots that are completely hairless because I think she killed the follicles.
Now, foolishly, I agreed to a light treatment of pink and green--IF she got back to her blond first. But--she was not to do it till yesterday after an appointment she had. I agreed to the blond lightening only for Thursday night. SHE decided to do it without me and didn't leave the lightener on long enough, which left her hair with an orange tint. Instead of waiting 24 hours to redo the lightener, SHE immediately put the pink and green in. On top of the orange, those colors came out looking like shades of poop. Well, SHE didn't want to go to school looking like that, so she dumped a jar of Manic Panic black all over her head (and down her face, shoulders and onto her body), the bathroom, the towels AND my laundry basket. All the while, her BFF was egging her on via the phone.
When I saw the results, I exploded. I was pissed beyond belief that SHE would do that kind of damage knowing the condition her hair was already in. I wanted to kill her right then and there.
I told her to get off the phone and she refused, running all over the house with it and telling that stupid BFF of hers that I was "hurting" her when ALL I was doing was yelling about the stupidity of her actions. Did I want to beat her? I am not going to lie and say no. Yes--I wanted to spank her and lock her in her room for about an decade at that moment. If you ever heard HER at her Beast-ish worst, you would want to as well out of sheer frustration.
But a new personality mesh has occured: The Beast and Danya have created an alliance that SHE gave a name to--Salome. I have discovered that when a new personality comes out, SHE starts telling everyone that is what she wants to change her name to. So what I was dealing with was actually Salome: all the brute force of The Beast with the pure meaness of Danya.
Anyway, Salome kept on and on about how much she hated me and how evil I am, all the time hitting me and calling me every name in the book. Meanwhile, she would NOT hang up the phone. BFF would not hang up the phone, telling HER that if her mom heard how I talked to HER, the mom would come and "rescue" her from me. This from a family where the second oldest son talks to the mom the same way Danya talks to me and they refuse to make him move out of the house. "Do as I say, not as I do" seems to be the motto over there.
SHE has never gotten her mind wrapped around the fact that people do not air their business in front of guests and so she does not see the drama when it is just family. Yet, SHE insists on broadcasting all of our business through whatever warped filter she uses to make herself look a hero. I am absolutely appalled at some of the boldfaced lies she tells people about what goes on when it is just us.
SHE does not tell them she considers me her servant and never asks for anything--it is always a demand. She tosses her crap all over the floor and then, when she can't find something, accuses me of moving it so she can't find it. Then she tells all her friends I hide/steal her stuff on purpose. There is NEVER an acknowledgement of her own culpibility in the misplacements. It is ALWAYS my fault.
But back to the hair incident...
On top of the damage from the dye, SHE wears these ratty clip-on extensions. With very little hair to hide the tracks and hold the weight, they are dangerous to what hair is left. Yet SHE wears them and thinks no one notices. Well, with the black highlighting the bald areas, it is not hard to see the fakes at all. I asked her to at least lay off the extensions for a few days. That was followed by another assault by Salome. So she went to summer school looking like a cancer patient.
Friday night, after being told NO several times concerning putting cheetah spots over the black, she found some bleach and did it anyway. Ugly enough... BUT then she went back an hour later to the mixture which she had capped and it exploded all over her face, including into her eyes. Would you believe Salome said it was my fault for that, as well? Again, BFF on the phone encouraging her to do the stupid $h!t!!! I tried to help her with the cleaning up and flushing her eyes, but she again started screaming I was hurting her on purpose. OMFG!!! I was trying to keep her from going blind and she's telling people I am hurting her!
It didn't get any better yesterday. Even though BFF knew I had planned to take HER to see the new "Harry Potter" movie today, she invited HER to go with her family yesterday. Of course, she accepted knowing how much it would hurt my feelings. Except, according to her, I have no feelings at all except anger because I will not cry in front of her. Why would I? That would only give her more ammo. I let her go, but made sure BFF's mother knew I was not happy. I also made sure I sprung the little sleepover plan on her because they lied about her knowing before SHE got in the car. That way, another parent was going to have to know my pain. Childish? Of course! But the mom has her own issues that I am going to be addressing with her.
SHE likes to tell me that all her friends are afraid of me because I yell at her. SHE never tells her friends that she is a little terror and deserves every word and more. I don't care that they don't like me. I am not fond of drug-taking, shoplifting, sexually active little turdblossoms who run the streets all night because their parents are either too drunk to care or not ever home to know. I WANT them to be afraid of me because I want my child to see what happens when a parent doesn't give a damn about their kids.
Now, BFF's mom (aka Mommy K)--there's a winner. I like the woman somewhat, but she has her own issues.
She is a cancer survivor and is still dealing with the aftermath, so she has gone all new-age on her family. Chakras and auras and homeopathic medicines for everyone is her answer to all woes. BFF has a twin with some of the same issues as SHE does--mom's answer? Vitimins and burning candles. I am not sure the girl is getting meds or therapy. I doubt it because she is quite withdrawn and spends as much time away from the rest of the household as possible. The oldest boy joined the Army as soon as he could. The next son is a clone of HER. Same symptoms and actions, but with no control--the irony is that SHE thinks it is so sad that the 2nd son talks to his mom the way SHE talks to me, but cannot make the connection about how it is no different than how she talks to me. The husband is a non-entity, but stays there because they cannot afford to get divorced in this economy. I gather Mommy K sleeps in one or the other of the girls' room because hubby took over the master bedroom.
Now Mommy K fills my daughter's head full of crap when she is over there. One thing that really pisses me off is BFF constantly telling MY kid that her mom would come and take HER if she heard me yelling at her. I am also pissed that the woman tells my kid that I am too "aggressive" for her and I need therapy, not her. Seriously? This from a woman who has a completely disfunctional house, kids who are either running away or abusing her, and one who will most likely be the one to get knocked up or end up in jail because she is ignored in favor of BFF who is an honor roll student and a cheerleader (and a liar).
Am I aggressive*? In the sense that I am boldly assertive and forward, yes. That I expect the best effort and that I am forceful and enterprising as well as " vigorously energetic, esp. in the use of initiative and forcefulness"--also yes. In the sense that I am "characterized by or tending toward unprovoked offensives, attacks, invasions, or the like; militant forward or menacing"--well that is bullsmack. That would be HER. I have been told over and over that I have to be like a drill sargeant with HER because SHE needs to have exacting order in her life so that her internal friends don't get a chance to make poor decisions due to lack of control.
Meanwhile, SHE is still over at Mommy K's knowing that she has all the summer school homework to get done before Tuesday or she will flunk that, too. No work permit and she will have to take math again with the same teacher who screwed her over this past year... She knows, maybe she cares someplace in there (Krissy and Elly might care, maybe even Abby), but Salome thinks "she" is invincible and is like the red-hot poker behind the eyes goading HER to the worst.
Can anyone truly fault me for looking forward to HER being gone for almost two weeks? I freakin' need the rest!
*Definitions from Dictionary.com
For the past two weeks, I have had to put in some overnight shifts and then try to sleep during the day. SHE thought it was funny to keep bothering me every afternoon while I attempted to nap--demanding food, drinks or for me to take her to the store to spend money we do not have for frivolities. I maybe got 20 hours over ten days, so I was worn out before all this happened.
HER latest shockwave started over the hair again. SHE has to go back to her original blond and leave it alone so her scalp can heal from all the crap. Since the beginning of the year, there have been more chemicals dumped on her head than I have had in my entire life and that stuff is now damaging her actual scalp. SHE has freaking BALD spots that are completely hairless because I think she killed the follicles.
Now, foolishly, I agreed to a light treatment of pink and green--IF she got back to her blond first. But--she was not to do it till yesterday after an appointment she had. I agreed to the blond lightening only for Thursday night. SHE decided to do it without me and didn't leave the lightener on long enough, which left her hair with an orange tint. Instead of waiting 24 hours to redo the lightener, SHE immediately put the pink and green in. On top of the orange, those colors came out looking like shades of poop. Well, SHE didn't want to go to school looking like that, so she dumped a jar of Manic Panic black all over her head (and down her face, shoulders and onto her body), the bathroom, the towels AND my laundry basket. All the while, her BFF was egging her on via the phone.
When I saw the results, I exploded. I was pissed beyond belief that SHE would do that kind of damage knowing the condition her hair was already in. I wanted to kill her right then and there.
I told her to get off the phone and she refused, running all over the house with it and telling that stupid BFF of hers that I was "hurting" her when ALL I was doing was yelling about the stupidity of her actions. Did I want to beat her? I am not going to lie and say no. Yes--I wanted to spank her and lock her in her room for about an decade at that moment. If you ever heard HER at her Beast-ish worst, you would want to as well out of sheer frustration.
But a new personality mesh has occured: The Beast and Danya have created an alliance that SHE gave a name to--Salome. I have discovered that when a new personality comes out, SHE starts telling everyone that is what she wants to change her name to. So what I was dealing with was actually Salome: all the brute force of The Beast with the pure meaness of Danya.
Anyway, Salome kept on and on about how much she hated me and how evil I am, all the time hitting me and calling me every name in the book. Meanwhile, she would NOT hang up the phone. BFF would not hang up the phone, telling HER that if her mom heard how I talked to HER, the mom would come and "rescue" her from me. This from a family where the second oldest son talks to the mom the same way Danya talks to me and they refuse to make him move out of the house. "Do as I say, not as I do" seems to be the motto over there.
SHE has never gotten her mind wrapped around the fact that people do not air their business in front of guests and so she does not see the drama when it is just family. Yet, SHE insists on broadcasting all of our business through whatever warped filter she uses to make herself look a hero. I am absolutely appalled at some of the boldfaced lies she tells people about what goes on when it is just us.
SHE does not tell them she considers me her servant and never asks for anything--it is always a demand. She tosses her crap all over the floor and then, when she can't find something, accuses me of moving it so she can't find it. Then she tells all her friends I hide/steal her stuff on purpose. There is NEVER an acknowledgement of her own culpibility in the misplacements. It is ALWAYS my fault.
But back to the hair incident...
On top of the damage from the dye, SHE wears these ratty clip-on extensions. With very little hair to hide the tracks and hold the weight, they are dangerous to what hair is left. Yet SHE wears them and thinks no one notices. Well, with the black highlighting the bald areas, it is not hard to see the fakes at all. I asked her to at least lay off the extensions for a few days. That was followed by another assault by Salome. So she went to summer school looking like a cancer patient.
Friday night, after being told NO several times concerning putting cheetah spots over the black, she found some bleach and did it anyway. Ugly enough... BUT then she went back an hour later to the mixture which she had capped and it exploded all over her face, including into her eyes. Would you believe Salome said it was my fault for that, as well? Again, BFF on the phone encouraging her to do the stupid $h!t!!! I tried to help her with the cleaning up and flushing her eyes, but she again started screaming I was hurting her on purpose. OMFG!!! I was trying to keep her from going blind and she's telling people I am hurting her!
It didn't get any better yesterday. Even though BFF knew I had planned to take HER to see the new "Harry Potter" movie today, she invited HER to go with her family yesterday. Of course, she accepted knowing how much it would hurt my feelings. Except, according to her, I have no feelings at all except anger because I will not cry in front of her. Why would I? That would only give her more ammo. I let her go, but made sure BFF's mother knew I was not happy. I also made sure I sprung the little sleepover plan on her because they lied about her knowing before SHE got in the car. That way, another parent was going to have to know my pain. Childish? Of course! But the mom has her own issues that I am going to be addressing with her.
SHE likes to tell me that all her friends are afraid of me because I yell at her. SHE never tells her friends that she is a little terror and deserves every word and more. I don't care that they don't like me. I am not fond of drug-taking, shoplifting, sexually active little turdblossoms who run the streets all night because their parents are either too drunk to care or not ever home to know. I WANT them to be afraid of me because I want my child to see what happens when a parent doesn't give a damn about their kids.
Now, BFF's mom (aka Mommy K)--there's a winner. I like the woman somewhat, but she has her own issues.
She is a cancer survivor and is still dealing with the aftermath, so she has gone all new-age on her family. Chakras and auras and homeopathic medicines for everyone is her answer to all woes. BFF has a twin with some of the same issues as SHE does--mom's answer? Vitimins and burning candles. I am not sure the girl is getting meds or therapy. I doubt it because she is quite withdrawn and spends as much time away from the rest of the household as possible. The oldest boy joined the Army as soon as he could. The next son is a clone of HER. Same symptoms and actions, but with no control--the irony is that SHE thinks it is so sad that the 2nd son talks to his mom the way SHE talks to me, but cannot make the connection about how it is no different than how she talks to me. The husband is a non-entity, but stays there because they cannot afford to get divorced in this economy. I gather Mommy K sleeps in one or the other of the girls' room because hubby took over the master bedroom.
Now Mommy K fills my daughter's head full of crap when she is over there. One thing that really pisses me off is BFF constantly telling MY kid that her mom would come and take HER if she heard me yelling at her. I am also pissed that the woman tells my kid that I am too "aggressive" for her and I need therapy, not her. Seriously? This from a woman who has a completely disfunctional house, kids who are either running away or abusing her, and one who will most likely be the one to get knocked up or end up in jail because she is ignored in favor of BFF who is an honor roll student and a cheerleader (and a liar).
Am I aggressive*? In the sense that I am boldly assertive and forward, yes. That I expect the best effort and that I am forceful and enterprising as well as " vigorously energetic, esp. in the use of initiative and forcefulness"--also yes. In the sense that I am "characterized by or tending toward unprovoked offensives, attacks, invasions, or the like; militant forward or menacing"--well that is bullsmack. That would be HER. I have been told over and over that I have to be like a drill sargeant with HER because SHE needs to have exacting order in her life so that her internal friends don't get a chance to make poor decisions due to lack of control.
Meanwhile, SHE is still over at Mommy K's knowing that she has all the summer school homework to get done before Tuesday or she will flunk that, too. No work permit and she will have to take math again with the same teacher who screwed her over this past year... She knows, maybe she cares someplace in there (Krissy and Elly might care, maybe even Abby), but Salome thinks "she" is invincible and is like the red-hot poker behind the eyes goading HER to the worst.
Can anyone truly fault me for looking forward to HER being gone for almost two weeks? I freakin' need the rest!
*Definitions from Dictionary.com
12 July 2009
Just another day in purgatory
For a while it seemed things were getting better, then POW! The Beast comes out in the worst places and at the worst times. Today, it was at the mall. "Krissy" decided the neighbor girl she used to be friends with needed a makeover. So off to the mall we went--ostensibly to seek out less manly clothes for the young lady.
Two minutes after we walked into a particularly favorite store of most of the Crew, Krissy had a pile of stuff she wanted me to buy for her. I was about to sort it out when she announced that she had promised to buy some crap thing for a friend of hers. SHE had promised to buy with MY money!!! Um... No. I told her that if she insisted I buy something for some person I loathe because she "promised already" then she could not have the things she wanted for herself because my budget is already stretched too thin. That was the last I saw of Krissy. The Beast emerged and decided to become obnoxious, loud and profane in her response to the compromise offered. She also lashed out physically again, punching me in the breasts because some idiot told her that hitting a breast can cause cancer. And, yes--I jerked her around after that and should have beaten her butt in public, mental illness or not. But The Beast knows where she has a sympathetic audience and chooses her forums carefully. I would have been in handcuffs before the first swat on the behind.
I just took the friend and left to show her some other stores that might be more to her taste. The Beast followed us and screamed at me to "get back in there NOW", this followed by her grabbing my bag so hard she broke the straps. It was all I took not to toss her over the side of the balcony.
The Beast stayed around for most of the afternoon, causing issues all along the way--cursing at me, slapping and otherwise being as ugly as possible.
It took nearly an hour before Danya emerged just long enough to tell me that the promised item was for a birthday present. Had I been presented with that information to begin with, my reaction would have been far different. But I cannot stand being told by a child that I "WILL" do anything. Once I knew it was a birthday present, I had no issue with buying the item in question. However, it does mean no extras for the rest of the week. The Beast, Danya and Krissy do not understand the concept of a budget--they all actually commented that I could use a credit card or one of my debit cards because I need to buy them what they ask for.
In two weeks, the Crew is going back home to visit family for a long week. I am so looking forward to a break. From them, from the lowlife "friends", from the stress...
Those damned "friends" have discovered The Beast will cooperate with them and so they call her to ask me for rides, for money, for other stuff their own parents cannot get for them. They use her for what they can get out of her and steal what she won't willingly give them. In fact, just a little while ago, the neighbor saw someone trying to go into her bedroom. Luckily, she woke up and whoever it was took off. But the mere fact someone tried to come into our house pisses me off. I have no doubt that it was one of those lowlifes attempting to steal her clothes or something. Now waiting for the cops... That ought to take about three hours.
Two minutes after we walked into a particularly favorite store of most of the Crew, Krissy had a pile of stuff she wanted me to buy for her. I was about to sort it out when she announced that she had promised to buy some crap thing for a friend of hers. SHE had promised to buy with MY money!!! Um... No. I told her that if she insisted I buy something for some person I loathe because she "promised already" then she could not have the things she wanted for herself because my budget is already stretched too thin. That was the last I saw of Krissy. The Beast emerged and decided to become obnoxious, loud and profane in her response to the compromise offered. She also lashed out physically again, punching me in the breasts because some idiot told her that hitting a breast can cause cancer. And, yes--I jerked her around after that and should have beaten her butt in public, mental illness or not. But The Beast knows where she has a sympathetic audience and chooses her forums carefully. I would have been in handcuffs before the first swat on the behind.
I just took the friend and left to show her some other stores that might be more to her taste. The Beast followed us and screamed at me to "get back in there NOW", this followed by her grabbing my bag so hard she broke the straps. It was all I took not to toss her over the side of the balcony.
The Beast stayed around for most of the afternoon, causing issues all along the way--cursing at me, slapping and otherwise being as ugly as possible.
It took nearly an hour before Danya emerged just long enough to tell me that the promised item was for a birthday present. Had I been presented with that information to begin with, my reaction would have been far different. But I cannot stand being told by a child that I "WILL" do anything. Once I knew it was a birthday present, I had no issue with buying the item in question. However, it does mean no extras for the rest of the week. The Beast, Danya and Krissy do not understand the concept of a budget--they all actually commented that I could use a credit card or one of my debit cards because I need to buy them what they ask for.
In two weeks, the Crew is going back home to visit family for a long week. I am so looking forward to a break. From them, from the lowlife "friends", from the stress...
Those damned "friends" have discovered The Beast will cooperate with them and so they call her to ask me for rides, for money, for other stuff their own parents cannot get for them. They use her for what they can get out of her and steal what she won't willingly give them. In fact, just a little while ago, the neighbor saw someone trying to go into her bedroom. Luckily, she woke up and whoever it was took off. But the mere fact someone tried to come into our house pisses me off. I have no doubt that it was one of those lowlifes attempting to steal her clothes or something. Now waiting for the cops... That ought to take about three hours.
13 June 2009
Idiot child!!!
SHE finally called me to get her at almost noon today. She looked like she had been sleeping under a bridge. Come to find out, that was pretty close. The mother of the girl she was supposed to be spending the night at had no clue and kicked everyone out of the house last night around 11 PM. Instead of calling me to come get her, SHE (along with Danya, I suspect) decided that she was going to stick around with her so-called nasty-ass friends and sleep on her friend's front stoop because she wanted to spend the night outside.
At least I got a dose of meds into her when I brought her and a friend (see below) back to the house. SHE has been skipping her regular dosages and it is showing in the worst way possible. SHE does not understand that she is making worse and worse choices for herself. I am just happy she was not committed to the fashion show today. One look at her current condition and she would have been laughed out of the building.
SHE has also started back to hanging out with that loser girl who is in foster care (FCG). One day with her and SHE is hunting for the pink hair dye again--literally. I have it hidden and SHE is NOT going to have access to it any time soon. Getting it out the last time almost rendered her bald. This time, she would end up bald with no chance of it ever growing back. But those things are crowded out by the chorus telling her that it would make her cooler and that it would come out so easy if she does it different this time.
FCG also convinced her that it would be OK to take Sharpies and draw all over the bedroom door. "You can just buy a new door, 'K?" I guess SHE hasn't noticed that her little pal is going to hell as she exists now and doesn't seem to have any compunction about dragging her friends down with her.
The foster parents don't even know where FCG is, I'll bet. I've met the people. I believe they are in it for the checks and not because they want to help. Of course, we are talking about a system where a white teenage girl was placed with old Black people. Nothing racist here, but they have ZERO clue about what to do with this kid, so they are letting her roam the streets much the same as her real parents did.
SHE doesn't call by 6 PM, at 6:01, I call the cops to pick her up. Maybe not, but you know... The urgency of this...this problem is always poking me in the back to make good my threats to do so.
At least I got a dose of meds into her when I brought her and a friend (see below) back to the house. SHE has been skipping her regular dosages and it is showing in the worst way possible. SHE does not understand that she is making worse and worse choices for herself. I am just happy she was not committed to the fashion show today. One look at her current condition and she would have been laughed out of the building.
SHE has also started back to hanging out with that loser girl who is in foster care (FCG). One day with her and SHE is hunting for the pink hair dye again--literally. I have it hidden and SHE is NOT going to have access to it any time soon. Getting it out the last time almost rendered her bald. This time, she would end up bald with no chance of it ever growing back. But those things are crowded out by the chorus telling her that it would make her cooler and that it would come out so easy if she does it different this time.
FCG also convinced her that it would be OK to take Sharpies and draw all over the bedroom door. "You can just buy a new door, 'K?" I guess SHE hasn't noticed that her little pal is going to hell as she exists now and doesn't seem to have any compunction about dragging her friends down with her.
The foster parents don't even know where FCG is, I'll bet. I've met the people. I believe they are in it for the checks and not because they want to help. Of course, we are talking about a system where a white teenage girl was placed with old Black people. Nothing racist here, but they have ZERO clue about what to do with this kid, so they are letting her roam the streets much the same as her real parents did.
SHE doesn't call by 6 PM, at 6:01, I call the cops to pick her up. Maybe not, but you know... The urgency of this...this problem is always poking me in the back to make good my threats to do so.
12 June 2009
I am SO tired of this
SHE has decided not to come home again tonight. No meds (which I KNOW she is skipping when she goes to her friends' homes overnight), no change of clothes, other people's stuff... I am seriously contemplating going over to the place she says she is going to be and drag her out. But what good would it do? Do I tell every single parent of every one of her friends that my kid has mental disorders and *might* be dangerous?
I changed the passwords again on her MySpace accounts because I am tired of this. I am about to lock her phone again so the only texts/calls she can get would be from me.
I am so sick of her talking to me like I am a freakin' menial. I am also sick of her thinking that SHE is in charge of everything. I am sick of trying to deal with ten different people with the same face.
I got six of them today and, at times, it seemed like they were coming at me as if on a merry-go-round--one after the other in a rapid circle. I at least got Abby for a little while. For a few brief moments, I had my sweet little girl who loves me and respects me. Then Beast took over and that was it. Cussing me out, calling me names, hanging up the phone non-stop...
This may be the breaking point that decides the trip to the hospital. Only--I can't reach a single doctor on the weekend to pre-cert the stay. It will involve both insurances, so that is going to be a big problem. Insurance A will allow the psychologist to cert, but not Insurance B--it requires the psychiatrist to do the papers. Trying to get the latter to do paperwork is like pulling freaking hens' teeth. Trying to REACH him is like looking for hens' teeth in the first place. That is what is holding up the IEP at the school and many other things--the shrink is never around to sign forms.
The other day, when SHE wandered off, she swears some guy tried to get her in his car. SHE got away that time, but what about the next? SHE thinks I would be happy to see her gone, but that is so far from the truth. I just want her to be stable enough to function fully in society and not on the fringes, which is kind of where she is now. Unfortunately, many of her friends are just as mental as she is and so that fringe life DOES look "normal" to her.
I am so tempted to take any job offered me to get her out of this place before she ends up on 4th Street with someone beating her up for not making her quota... That is what happened to someone I know who was just like my child and it scares the death out of me.
As for my health--I went to work sick because I can't just wonder off at random like some people. I have to make sure there is a roof over our heads, food in the bowls and sanitary facilities. That last is a joke because Danya throws everything on the floor, being too good to deal with trash cans. That is what the maid (me) is for. I hate Danya.
My work IS being affected because SHE calls me non-stop from the time she wakes up and picks fights with me. She wants me to take her all over town on my 30-minute lunch period, come home to open a can of vegetables or to tell her where SHE lost one of her things in the trash heaps SHE has created. I have just about given up keeping the house presentable because Beast will throw things all over the place to find an eyeliner. God forbid any of the crew puts anything back in its proper place (though Abby may occasionally hang up a towel).
The latest favorite thing of the Beast is to hit or kick my breasts because someone told her that doing so would cause cancer. I have already had problems with cysts and lesions, so I guess that one will get her wish re causing more problems. Thing is, none of them have figured out that killing me means SHE will be institutionalized as no one in the family wants to deal with any of her issues.
I changed the passwords again on her MySpace accounts because I am tired of this. I am about to lock her phone again so the only texts/calls she can get would be from me.
I am so sick of her talking to me like I am a freakin' menial. I am also sick of her thinking that SHE is in charge of everything. I am sick of trying to deal with ten different people with the same face.
I got six of them today and, at times, it seemed like they were coming at me as if on a merry-go-round--one after the other in a rapid circle. I at least got Abby for a little while. For a few brief moments, I had my sweet little girl who loves me and respects me. Then Beast took over and that was it. Cussing me out, calling me names, hanging up the phone non-stop...
This may be the breaking point that decides the trip to the hospital. Only--I can't reach a single doctor on the weekend to pre-cert the stay. It will involve both insurances, so that is going to be a big problem. Insurance A will allow the psychologist to cert, but not Insurance B--it requires the psychiatrist to do the papers. Trying to get the latter to do paperwork is like pulling freaking hens' teeth. Trying to REACH him is like looking for hens' teeth in the first place. That is what is holding up the IEP at the school and many other things--the shrink is never around to sign forms.
The other day, when SHE wandered off, she swears some guy tried to get her in his car. SHE got away that time, but what about the next? SHE thinks I would be happy to see her gone, but that is so far from the truth. I just want her to be stable enough to function fully in society and not on the fringes, which is kind of where she is now. Unfortunately, many of her friends are just as mental as she is and so that fringe life DOES look "normal" to her.
I am so tempted to take any job offered me to get her out of this place before she ends up on 4th Street with someone beating her up for not making her quota... That is what happened to someone I know who was just like my child and it scares the death out of me.
As for my health--I went to work sick because I can't just wonder off at random like some people. I have to make sure there is a roof over our heads, food in the bowls and sanitary facilities. That last is a joke because Danya throws everything on the floor, being too good to deal with trash cans. That is what the maid (me) is for. I hate Danya.
My work IS being affected because SHE calls me non-stop from the time she wakes up and picks fights with me. She wants me to take her all over town on my 30-minute lunch period, come home to open a can of vegetables or to tell her where SHE lost one of her things in the trash heaps SHE has created. I have just about given up keeping the house presentable because Beast will throw things all over the place to find an eyeliner. God forbid any of the crew puts anything back in its proper place (though Abby may occasionally hang up a towel).
The latest favorite thing of the Beast is to hit or kick my breasts because someone told her that doing so would cause cancer. I have already had problems with cysts and lesions, so I guess that one will get her wish re causing more problems. Thing is, none of them have figured out that killing me means SHE will be institutionalized as no one in the family wants to deal with any of her issues.
11 June 2009
This has got to stop!!
Just about every night this week, SHE has wandered off to someone's house to stay the night. I do not know what she is looking for at those other places, but she is not finding it. Two days this week she has skipped her meds (claiming to have forgotten), each time resulting in the Beast waking up.
We came to blows Monday night because she lost her mind over a misunderstood request about t-shirt designs. SHE swung a wooden craft box at me and (sad to say) I hit her near her eye. SHE then tried to scratch my right eye out. I have a slight tear on the cornea and have been seeing fuzzy all week. But that matters not to her. It is all good if it hurts ME.
To make matters worse, her BFF's mother is very New Age and is trying to "help" her with meditation and crystals. This woman means well, but she does not "get" that what SHE has is different than what the BBF's sister has. I am tired of having to constantly explain to people that they cannot indulge my daughter's outrageous antics or encourage her to express her feelings the way SHE wants to. That only results in a display of verbal sewage worthy of the Diceman.
It makes it so hard to talk about the good things she has achieved these last few weeks. SHE managed to squeak by with a D in English, so she does get to go to the 8th grade if she takes Math in summer school. It won't happen because she won't stay around the house to go. She's also picked up a new art skill--making resin jewelry. Expensive hobby for me to deal with, but she is doing something besides playing on MySpace, eating or wandering the streets.
In fact, her street wandering almost got her in a lot of trouble. SHE claims someone saw her wandering around when she locked herself out of the house and tried to convince her to get in his car. The story she tells is that, when he went to reach for her, she grabbed her hairspray out of her tote bag and sprayed him in the eyes, then ran. No description of guy or car, of course. IF it happened, good for her for having quick reflexes. But that should have told her that people are NOT nice and they DO try to snatch up girls even in broad daylight. Nope. She is at her friend's house again and she plans to walk home by herself in the morning when she wakes up. I really am afraid I will get a call to come ID her body one day soon because SHE thinks she is invincible when Beast and Danya take over.
We came to blows Monday night because she lost her mind over a misunderstood request about t-shirt designs. SHE swung a wooden craft box at me and (sad to say) I hit her near her eye. SHE then tried to scratch my right eye out. I have a slight tear on the cornea and have been seeing fuzzy all week. But that matters not to her. It is all good if it hurts ME.
To make matters worse, her BFF's mother is very New Age and is trying to "help" her with meditation and crystals. This woman means well, but she does not "get" that what SHE has is different than what the BBF's sister has. I am tired of having to constantly explain to people that they cannot indulge my daughter's outrageous antics or encourage her to express her feelings the way SHE wants to. That only results in a display of verbal sewage worthy of the Diceman.
It makes it so hard to talk about the good things she has achieved these last few weeks. SHE managed to squeak by with a D in English, so she does get to go to the 8th grade if she takes Math in summer school. It won't happen because she won't stay around the house to go. She's also picked up a new art skill--making resin jewelry. Expensive hobby for me to deal with, but she is doing something besides playing on MySpace, eating or wandering the streets.
In fact, her street wandering almost got her in a lot of trouble. SHE claims someone saw her wandering around when she locked herself out of the house and tried to convince her to get in his car. The story she tells is that, when he went to reach for her, she grabbed her hairspray out of her tote bag and sprayed him in the eyes, then ran. No description of guy or car, of course. IF it happened, good for her for having quick reflexes. But that should have told her that people are NOT nice and they DO try to snatch up girls even in broad daylight. Nope. She is at her friend's house again and she plans to walk home by herself in the morning when she wakes up. I really am afraid I will get a call to come ID her body one day soon because SHE thinks she is invincible when Beast and Danya take over.
18 May 2009
OMFG!!!
This is insane. She has disappeared to some random kid's house and refuses to answer the phone. This random kid is in the background, encouraging her to be rude and hang up. Who the hell names their daughter "Sinister"? This is the kind of people my mentally ill child thinks are fine to be around instead of kids that go to school, do their homework and otherwise at least try to achieve normalcy.
This is the week I call the hospital, I think. I wanted her to get through the school year (at least passing English so she can go to the 8th grade) and maybe making a good impression with some auditions at the showcase later this month. But it isn't going to happen and I am a fool for ever hoping for anything wonderful to come out of her life.
One thing is quite sure--there will NOT be any puppies brought into this house because I fear for the life of any small creatures she comes in contact with. Not even the semi-wild kittens under the house would be safe. I would almost consider sleeping armed, but I know that is just silly.
This is the week I call the hospital, I think. I wanted her to get through the school year (at least passing English so she can go to the 8th grade) and maybe making a good impression with some auditions at the showcase later this month. But it isn't going to happen and I am a fool for ever hoping for anything wonderful to come out of her life.
One thing is quite sure--there will NOT be any puppies brought into this house because I fear for the life of any small creatures she comes in contact with. Not even the semi-wild kittens under the house would be safe. I would almost consider sleeping armed, but I know that is just silly.
17 May 2009
Another banner week
Hair from rainbow to blond to dookie brown/yellow to black...
Several fights, culminating in a physical altercation yesterday... She got pissed because I wouldn't buy any more hair dye for her (or her "friend" who she claimed promised to pay her back). This resulted in her throwing a fit in the middle of a beauty supply store (where I foolishly stopped to get her a specialty comb--I lost her other one by accident at a park). Even one of the clerks came up and told her to shut up and stop calling me names and slapping at me.
By the time we got home, she had gone into full "Beast" mode, dragging all the junk she had in the living room back into her room and swearing she wanted to stay in there forever. When I started restricting her phone, unplugging the house phone, changing her computer passwords, etc. she came out and trashed my work equipment. Then she went after other things of mine. At that point, I tried to restrain her and she bit me. I tackled her and got her on the ground to stop further damage to either property or person. Unfortunately, she scraped her knee pretty badly and that started another round of yelling and her trying to attack me.
I tried to help her clean the scrape and bandage it, which resulted in her screaming that I can't touch her, that I am abusive and that she wants me to die immediately. This at the same time she keeps saying she has decided she must die at exactly the moment she turns 15. I wonder if the new meds are a factor in this? The Beast does not come out as often on the new stuff, but the appearance and actions when it does is more intense and scary.
I finally just left her to stew in her room until she came out and made the first non-combative (albeit rude as hell) overture. She asked me to type in the passwords for her and then asked for dinner. By the time dinner was ready, "Ella" was visiting and we spent the evening together watching TV and then a movie.
The night before this, she insisted on inviting her latest BFF to come along to a therapy visit--where she immediately started calling me names and insisting I was lying because I am not clearing all my finances with her. Her schit is costing me a lot and, while I do like to get her things when all the bills are paid, she does not want to wait. She is a master of the stealth purchase, sneaking items onto the conveyor belt at the last minute and then creating a scene when I catch her. But I am the liar because I tell her we cannot afford something if I make a purchase that SHE has not approved. Then she went on and on about how I am lying when I tell her I am sick because I still go to work no matter what--this because she wants to stay home from school for the slightest ache. Then, in the middle of the session, she got up and went out to the waiting area to tell her BFF that I was lying to the doctor about her and was trying to get her put away right that moment. Luckily, BFF's sister has similar issues and the poor girl knew that the BS is part of the condition.
Sad thing is--the first thing I told the therapist was how proud I was because she went to school THREE days this past week.
Ten minutes after the session, we were at the park and Beast was gone, replaced by "Kristie". The rest of the evening went OK. Yesterday before the meltdown was OK. She had an acting class which, by all accounts, went fine (other than her agent having a fit over the black hair, Emo makeup and her not being in ballet anymore). Again, reasonably long stretchs for her... If I can get three or four hours in a row, I consider that a long time.
I am not sure who is going to wake up first this morning, though.
Several fights, culminating in a physical altercation yesterday... She got pissed because I wouldn't buy any more hair dye for her (or her "friend" who she claimed promised to pay her back). This resulted in her throwing a fit in the middle of a beauty supply store (where I foolishly stopped to get her a specialty comb--I lost her other one by accident at a park). Even one of the clerks came up and told her to shut up and stop calling me names and slapping at me.
By the time we got home, she had gone into full "Beast" mode, dragging all the junk she had in the living room back into her room and swearing she wanted to stay in there forever. When I started restricting her phone, unplugging the house phone, changing her computer passwords, etc. she came out and trashed my work equipment. Then she went after other things of mine. At that point, I tried to restrain her and she bit me. I tackled her and got her on the ground to stop further damage to either property or person. Unfortunately, she scraped her knee pretty badly and that started another round of yelling and her trying to attack me.
I tried to help her clean the scrape and bandage it, which resulted in her screaming that I can't touch her, that I am abusive and that she wants me to die immediately. This at the same time she keeps saying she has decided she must die at exactly the moment she turns 15. I wonder if the new meds are a factor in this? The Beast does not come out as often on the new stuff, but the appearance and actions when it does is more intense and scary.
I finally just left her to stew in her room until she came out and made the first non-combative (albeit rude as hell) overture. She asked me to type in the passwords for her and then asked for dinner. By the time dinner was ready, "Ella" was visiting and we spent the evening together watching TV and then a movie.
The night before this, she insisted on inviting her latest BFF to come along to a therapy visit--where she immediately started calling me names and insisting I was lying because I am not clearing all my finances with her. Her schit is costing me a lot and, while I do like to get her things when all the bills are paid, she does not want to wait. She is a master of the stealth purchase, sneaking items onto the conveyor belt at the last minute and then creating a scene when I catch her. But I am the liar because I tell her we cannot afford something if I make a purchase that SHE has not approved. Then she went on and on about how I am lying when I tell her I am sick because I still go to work no matter what--this because she wants to stay home from school for the slightest ache. Then, in the middle of the session, she got up and went out to the waiting area to tell her BFF that I was lying to the doctor about her and was trying to get her put away right that moment. Luckily, BFF's sister has similar issues and the poor girl knew that the BS is part of the condition.
Sad thing is--the first thing I told the therapist was how proud I was because she went to school THREE days this past week.
Ten minutes after the session, we were at the park and Beast was gone, replaced by "Kristie". The rest of the evening went OK. Yesterday before the meltdown was OK. She had an acting class which, by all accounts, went fine (other than her agent having a fit over the black hair, Emo makeup and her not being in ballet anymore). Again, reasonably long stretchs for her... If I can get three or four hours in a row, I consider that a long time.
I am not sure who is going to wake up first this morning, though.
07 May 2009
Never say things are OK
No more ballet. She got kicked out for refusing to going to class although we were already there. The owner of the studio told her if she didn't go in, she was done. Well, never offer this one an ultimatum because she will call your bluff. It sucks because she is really good, the teacher loved her when she behaved because she IS so good--but, again, it has to do with that one nasty person in her head that tells her she doesn't have to behave like regular people. I have met that girl and she is a beotch.
Still fighting over meds. Still fighting over hair. Still fighting over clothing--she keeps cutting things up and not just the cheap things. Then she wants me to replace what she ruined.
She keeps inviting herself over to people's houses to spend the night. That is where she is tonight. She goes out and then will not come home, getting her latest hanger-on to let her stay over. Half the time, I don't even get to talk to a parent. But tell her no and she will run...
Tonight's friend is pierced within an inch of her life and is supposedly in the 8th grade. I am terrified that she might come home tomorrow with as many piercings as the misfit she is hanging out with. She swears she wouldn't do that, but she is not always the one in charge of herself.
Why is she SO freakin' easily led? You would not think that with the bi-polar situation, but maybe it is the OCD or something. Maybe the ODD?
Sad thing is that yesterday, she was hanging all over me like she was four years old. I miss the four year old.
Still fighting over meds. Still fighting over hair. Still fighting over clothing--she keeps cutting things up and not just the cheap things. Then she wants me to replace what she ruined.
She keeps inviting herself over to people's houses to spend the night. That is where she is tonight. She goes out and then will not come home, getting her latest hanger-on to let her stay over. Half the time, I don't even get to talk to a parent. But tell her no and she will run...
Tonight's friend is pierced within an inch of her life and is supposedly in the 8th grade. I am terrified that she might come home tomorrow with as many piercings as the misfit she is hanging out with. She swears she wouldn't do that, but she is not always the one in charge of herself.
Why is she SO freakin' easily led? You would not think that with the bi-polar situation, but maybe it is the OCD or something. Maybe the ODD?
Sad thing is that yesterday, she was hanging all over me like she was four years old. I miss the four year old.
11 April 2009
A (Mostly) Good Week
The meds adjustment seems to be working so far. I am happy that the clonidine is letting her get a full night's sleep. The circles under her eyes are mostly gone, as is the bruising from the drain on her system.
The mouth is still foul and there is still a definite lack of personal responsibility. It is NEVER her fault and I am ALWAYS the villain. The narcissism is still in full force, as is the "I'm omnipotent!" attitude.
The biggest fight this week is (again) money:
She accuses me all the time of lying when I tell her the bills have to be paid first before we spend money for "fun"--"You just don't want to spend money on ME!!" So I am always fighting a battle with a CHILD over going to the mall to buy random crap she doesn't need so she will feel "loved". We all know that getting a truckload of money spent on us is the ONLY way that love can be proven, right?
Spring break is almost over, none of what I hoped we'd accomplish got done and she is already making noises about not wanting to go back to school just yet. On the other hand, she missed the Spring dance and a cool field trip with her friends, so that might be incentive to go anyway. It is almost an exercise in futility because she has already flunked this year. I cannot afford summer school, so she is going to have to repeat it and fall further behind. She already lost her work permit, so no chances of getting any acting work, either.
She had her new portfolio pictures taken last week anyway (just in case). I look at that heartbreakingly gorgeous face, her wonderful looks in general and the way she shines in front of a camera and I cannot help but wonder who I am looking at in that moment. And, yes--there IS more than one person in there. More on that another time...
I managed to save ballet for at least this year. She (mostly) behaved herself in the last class just before spring break, showed that she could learn the choreography properly and didn't pout. So she gets another chance. Hopefully, she won't screw it up.
Yet, no matter what I do behind the scenes to try to help her, I am still the meanie. I feel like this
most of the time.
The mouth is still foul and there is still a definite lack of personal responsibility. It is NEVER her fault and I am ALWAYS the villain. The narcissism is still in full force, as is the "I'm omnipotent!" attitude.
The biggest fight this week is (again) money:She accuses me all the time of lying when I tell her the bills have to be paid first before we spend money for "fun"--"You just don't want to spend money on ME!!" So I am always fighting a battle with a CHILD over going to the mall to buy random crap she doesn't need so she will feel "loved". We all know that getting a truckload of money spent on us is the ONLY way that love can be proven, right?
Spring break is almost over, none of what I hoped we'd accomplish got done and she is already making noises about not wanting to go back to school just yet. On the other hand, she missed the Spring dance and a cool field trip with her friends, so that might be incentive to go anyway. It is almost an exercise in futility because she has already flunked this year. I cannot afford summer school, so she is going to have to repeat it and fall further behind. She already lost her work permit, so no chances of getting any acting work, either.
She had her new portfolio pictures taken last week anyway (just in case). I look at that heartbreakingly gorgeous face, her wonderful looks in general and the way she shines in front of a camera and I cannot help but wonder who I am looking at in that moment. And, yes--there IS more than one person in there. More on that another time...
I managed to save ballet for at least this year. She (mostly) behaved herself in the last class just before spring break, showed that she could learn the choreography properly and didn't pout. So she gets another chance. Hopefully, she won't screw it up.
Yet, no matter what I do behind the scenes to try to help her, I am still the meanie. I feel like this
most of the time.
04 April 2009
An introduction
I am a parent.
I am a parent of a child who was born with a multitude of mental illnesses: ADHD, ODD, PBPD, Personality Dissociative Disorder, and maybe even Asperberger's Syndrome.
As that parent, I am constantly in a battle with the monsters I cannot see, but they are all around me. I never know what to expect from day to day when my child wakes up. I don't know if I am getting a sunshiny, ready for a new day angel or the demon from Hell, ready to destroy all in her path.
I have been cursed constantly by her, attacked physically and mentally. The child has tried to choke me, stab me, wreck the car while we are driving at like 50 mph... Yet her doctors keep telling me to work with her. Fine, but they are not the ones being sucked dry and slowly dying from the drain on all one's resources.
I used to be young once. I was a beautiful woman, thin and poised. Now I eat too much junk food because my child will not eat at normal times or normal places or normal foods. She's afraid of most regular food and trusts that someplace like McDonald's will always provide the same food at the same quality every time (she obviously has NOT been in the kitchens of some of those places....). She will not eat in a restaurant anymore because she thinks everyone is watching her mouth as she eats and so is afraid they are judging her chewing skills.
She does not sleep until she experiences complete exhaustion. That sometimes means that at 3:00 in the morning, she is still slamming around the house. Of course, if she is awake, that means I must stay awake with her. As a consequence, she will come and hit me until I wake up so I can get her a drink or make her something to eat. If she were three or four, that would not be so bad. But she is a teenager and knows perfectly well how to pour a soda or microwave something!!!!
The worst thing is that she is smart, talented, creative and has the potential to be someone the world will come to know and respect. Tell her that and she will sabotage the hell out of whatever fantastic thing she just did. Tell her she has the makings of a great dancer, she will piss off the teacher by playing around in class and refusing to follow the choreography. Compliment her on her clothing designs, she will either scribble all over them or rip them up as being "suckish". Give her an award for any painting or drawing she does, she will tell you everything she did wrong. Same with doing a play or singing or any other thing she does. Because she is smart, the teachers expect her to at least do minimally well. Her response is to refuse to do any work at all. Getting her to go to school at all is becoming an exercise in futility.
The school knows of her ailments, but I can still end up in trouble because she will not conform, stay put or even show up. All about following some rules, but not others... It is affecting my ability to get through a day of work because of all the phone calls I get from the school when she is there.
It sucks to be her with all those issues, but it sucks to be me having to deal with her issues and still maintain some semblance of normality (whatever that is these days).
I deal with the horrors all the time, but there is going to come a time when something has to give. It will likely end with me calling the local resident care mental health facility and telling them to come get her. One doctor says I should let her go off the deep end finally, call the cops and let them admit her for observation. It's fast becoming a possible plan of action.
I don't hate her, but I damn sure don't like being around her most of the time because she is indeed killing me from the inside out. That is, if she doesn't succeed in killing me the next time she goes off the deep end.
I am a parent of a child who was born with a multitude of mental illnesses: ADHD, ODD, PBPD, Personality Dissociative Disorder, and maybe even Asperberger's Syndrome.
As that parent, I am constantly in a battle with the monsters I cannot see, but they are all around me. I never know what to expect from day to day when my child wakes up. I don't know if I am getting a sunshiny, ready for a new day angel or the demon from Hell, ready to destroy all in her path.
I have been cursed constantly by her, attacked physically and mentally. The child has tried to choke me, stab me, wreck the car while we are driving at like 50 mph... Yet her doctors keep telling me to work with her. Fine, but they are not the ones being sucked dry and slowly dying from the drain on all one's resources.
I used to be young once. I was a beautiful woman, thin and poised. Now I eat too much junk food because my child will not eat at normal times or normal places or normal foods. She's afraid of most regular food and trusts that someplace like McDonald's will always provide the same food at the same quality every time (she obviously has NOT been in the kitchens of some of those places....). She will not eat in a restaurant anymore because she thinks everyone is watching her mouth as she eats and so is afraid they are judging her chewing skills.
She does not sleep until she experiences complete exhaustion. That sometimes means that at 3:00 in the morning, she is still slamming around the house. Of course, if she is awake, that means I must stay awake with her. As a consequence, she will come and hit me until I wake up so I can get her a drink or make her something to eat. If she were three or four, that would not be so bad. But she is a teenager and knows perfectly well how to pour a soda or microwave something!!!!
The worst thing is that she is smart, talented, creative and has the potential to be someone the world will come to know and respect. Tell her that and she will sabotage the hell out of whatever fantastic thing she just did. Tell her she has the makings of a great dancer, she will piss off the teacher by playing around in class and refusing to follow the choreography. Compliment her on her clothing designs, she will either scribble all over them or rip them up as being "suckish". Give her an award for any painting or drawing she does, she will tell you everything she did wrong. Same with doing a play or singing or any other thing she does. Because she is smart, the teachers expect her to at least do minimally well. Her response is to refuse to do any work at all. Getting her to go to school at all is becoming an exercise in futility.
The school knows of her ailments, but I can still end up in trouble because she will not conform, stay put or even show up. All about following some rules, but not others... It is affecting my ability to get through a day of work because of all the phone calls I get from the school when she is there.
It sucks to be her with all those issues, but it sucks to be me having to deal with her issues and still maintain some semblance of normality (whatever that is these days).
I deal with the horrors all the time, but there is going to come a time when something has to give. It will likely end with me calling the local resident care mental health facility and telling them to come get her. One doctor says I should let her go off the deep end finally, call the cops and let them admit her for observation. It's fast becoming a possible plan of action.
I don't hate her, but I damn sure don't like being around her most of the time because she is indeed killing me from the inside out. That is, if she doesn't succeed in killing me the next time she goes off the deep end.
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