It's all the same

As usual, the drama continues. This child of mine needs to go somewhere else for a long, LONG time. I cannot deal with it much longer.

For the last several weeks, SHE has been bouncing all over the emotional map, usually on the "wrong" side of that map. Oh, that is except when she is at other people's houses--then she is a perfect little angel and does no wrong for others. Yeah, right... Perfect until she decides they took something of hers or ate her snack or touched her clothes or whatever. Then I get calls demanding I come get her or that someone else does because they don't want her around any more.

SHE is also flunking school again--partially because she is not doing the work and partially because of attendance again. 45 days in the quarter and SHE has missed 23+. Even with straight A's across the board (as if!), the school will flunk her just for not being there. The worst part? SHE doesn't care. Doesn't matter to her that I have received a truancy notice because she "forgot" to turn in the notes or that I could get fined/jail time for her "forgetfulness". It also doesn't matter that, should that happen, I lose my job and we lose the house and everything in it. As long as SHE is happy about it, the problem does not exist.

We are also going through the hair issue big time. The Abilify has caused severe hair loss and so now SHE insists on gluing extensions to bare scalp. Well, that is NOT going to make it grow back and will, in fact, make sure no hair grows in those places ever again. SHE will not wear a wig because of an incident at the school last year when some assish kids pulled the wig off a girl undergoing chemo and played keep-away with it in the middle of the lunch room (no teacher stopped it and the beetches were not disciplined because it was "all in fun"). But SHE is almost BALD!!! I see more scalp than hair, but she sees nothing but her extensions and thinks she looks good.

Also, she has put on ten pounds, which is bad for her frame. I took her for a physical and the doctor did blood work. He now wants her to get MORE work done--in the followup, he muttered something about how the thyroid results could not possibly be correct. I already think that is why she is putting on weight and her hair is falling out--the Abilify is destroying her health.

I was supposed to meet with her shrink this week, but he canceled the appointment at the last minute and now it will be almost two weeks before I can get him to do something concerning the meds. Meanwhile, if she has any problems making her head look presentable, she will not go to school. It is too late for home schooling this semester and I don't trust her to do it next semester. So...?

Right now, I am looking at a living room full of her crap, dragged out of her room in an effort to clean. Yes, you can see HER floor, but now I cannot maneuver anywhere else. She got insane with hair dye last night trying to make fake dreadlocks and there is now pink hair dye all over the bath stall, the sink, the floor, the toilet seat cover and every towel that was in there. It is also all over my sheets. When I took pictures of the mess, SHE attacked me and then had the nerve to get angry because I hit back.

And, the poop cherry on the crap cake? She, without asking me, invited one of her stray-dog friends to spend the rest of the weekend with us because her mom's boyfriend/roommate/whatever doesn't like her around. The girl's MOM told her to find somewhere to stay for the weekend and, of course, SHE volunteered our house--the one covered in her crap from one end to the other. We are also low on food, yet I am expected to feed this other kid. Even better? SHE has told the girl we are going to bring her along to the therapist appointment tonight. That means feeding both of them afterward. So, knowing the money situation, it means I do without. I gather I have already been "volunteered" to take them to the mall to hang out tomorrow. I don't even want this girl in my house to begin with. But SHE will not take "no" for an answer and I am not in the mood to be killed in my sleep over it.

This week, I had to put in some night shifts. Every night, SHE called with a crisis that meant I had to leave the crew I asked for to begin with doing the work while I went home to deal with whatever bull she cooked up. My boss pointed out that it was becoming an issue and that they were going to start documenting every incident where I had to leave because of an issue with HER. Then it would become disciplinary actions, followed by suspensions and finally dismissal. I just need to get through 2011 to keep my insurance for HER because she will never get coverage on her own. It is the only benefit worth sticking around for and she is doing her best to make sure I lose it. That's because it is something of mine SHE cannot steal, as she does so many other things (money, my laptop, electronics, health).

My metabolism is shot as it is, so not eating properly is putting me at risk for diabetes and other issues. My weight is at an all-time high because my body is hoarding calories. But, again, that matters not to HER because she knows she will get food (even as she tells anyone who listens that I "starve her to death"). Of course, when I drop dead from a stress heart attack, SHE thinks she is getting it all. Nope. Goes to a trust and she won't get a dime in principle--ever.

Just another day in purgatory

For a while it seemed things were getting better, then POW! The Beast comes out in the worst places and at the worst times. Today, it was at the mall. "Krissy" decided the neighbor girl she used to be friends with needed a makeover. So off to the mall we went--ostensibly to seek out less manly clothes for the young lady.

Two minutes after we walked into a particularly favorite store of most of the Crew, Krissy had a pile of stuff she wanted me to buy for her. I was about to sort it out when she announced that she had promised to buy some crap thing for a friend of hers. SHE had promised to buy with MY money!!! Um... No. I told her that if she insisted I buy something for some person I loathe because she "promised already" then she could not have the things she wanted for herself because my budget is already stretched too thin. That was the last I saw of Krissy. The Beast emerged and decided to become obnoxious, loud and profane in her response to the compromise offered. She also lashed out physically again, punching me in the breasts because some idiot told her that hitting a breast can cause cancer. And, yes--I jerked her around after that and should have beaten her butt in public, mental illness or not. But The Beast knows where she has a sympathetic audience and chooses her forums carefully. I would have been in handcuffs before the first swat on the behind.

I just took the friend and left to show her some other stores that might be more to her taste. The Beast followed us and screamed at me to "get back in there NOW", this followed by her grabbing my bag so hard she broke the straps. It was all I took not to toss her over the side of the balcony.

The Beast stayed around for most of the afternoon, causing issues all along the way--cursing at me, slapping and otherwise being as ugly as possible.

It took nearly an hour before Danya emerged just long enough to tell me that the promised item was for a birthday present. Had I been presented with that information to begin with, my reaction would have been far different. But I cannot stand being told by a child that I "WILL" do anything. Once I knew it was a birthday present, I had no issue with buying the item in question. However, it does mean no extras for the rest of the week. The Beast, Danya and Krissy do not understand the concept of a budget--they all actually commented that I could use a credit card or one of my debit cards because I need to buy them what they ask for.

In two weeks, the Crew is going back home to visit family for a long week. I am so looking forward to a break. From them, from the lowlife "friends", from the stress...

Those damned "friends" have discovered The Beast will cooperate with them and so they call her to ask me for rides, for money, for other stuff their own parents cannot get for them. They use her for what they can get out of her and steal what she won't willingly give them. In fact, just a little while ago, the neighbor saw someone trying to go into her bedroom. Luckily, she woke up and whoever it was took off. But the mere fact someone tried to come into our house pisses me off. I have no doubt that it was one of those lowlifes attempting to steal her clothes or something. Now waiting for the cops... That ought to take about three hours.

Another banner week

Hair from rainbow to blond to dookie brown/yellow to black...

Several fights, culminating in a physical altercation yesterday... She got pissed because I wouldn't buy any more hair dye for her (or her "friend" who she claimed promised to pay her back). This resulted in her throwing a fit in the middle of a beauty supply store (where I foolishly stopped to get her a specialty comb--I lost her other one by accident at a park). Even one of the clerks came up and told her to shut up and stop calling me names and slapping at me.

By the time we got home, she had gone into full "Beast" mode, dragging all the junk she had in the living room back into her room and swearing she wanted to stay in there forever. When I started restricting her phone, unplugging the house phone, changing her computer passwords, etc. she came out and trashed my work equipment. Then she went after other things of mine. At that point, I tried to restrain her and she bit me. I tackled her and got her on the ground to stop further damage to either property or person. Unfortunately, she scraped her knee pretty badly and that started another round of yelling and her trying to attack me.

I tried to help her clean the scrape and bandage it, which resulted in her screaming that I can't touch her, that I am abusive and that she wants me to die immediately. This at the same time she keeps saying she has decided she must die at exactly the moment she turns 15. I wonder if the new meds are a factor in this? The Beast does not come out as often on the new stuff, but the appearance and actions when it does is more intense and scary.

I finally just left her to stew in her room until she came out and made the first non-combative (albeit rude as hell) overture. She asked me to type in the passwords for her and then asked for dinner. By the time dinner was ready, "Ella" was visiting and we spent the evening together watching TV and then a movie.

The night before this, she insisted on inviting her latest BFF to come along to a therapy visit--where she immediately started calling me names and insisting I was lying because I am not clearing all my finances with her. Her schit is costing me a lot and, while I do like to get her things when all the bills are paid, she does not want to wait. She is a master of the stealth purchase, sneaking items onto the conveyor belt at the last minute and then creating a scene when I catch her. But I am the liar because I tell her we cannot afford something if I make a purchase that SHE has not approved. Then she went on and on about how I am lying when I tell her I am sick because I still go to work no matter what--this because she wants to stay home from school for the slightest ache. Then, in the middle of the session, she got up and went out to the waiting area to tell her BFF that I was lying to the doctor about her and was trying to get her put away right that moment. Luckily, BFF's sister has similar issues and the poor girl knew that the BS is part of the condition.

Sad thing is--the first thing I told the therapist was how proud I was because she went to school THREE days this past week.

Ten minutes after the session, we were at the park and Beast was gone, replaced by "Kristie". The rest of the evening went OK. Yesterday before the meltdown was OK. She had an acting class which, by all accounts, went fine (other than her agent having a fit over the black hair, Emo makeup and her not being in ballet anymore). Again, reasonably long stretchs for her... If I can get three or four hours in a row, I consider that a long time.




I am not sure who is going to wake up first this morning, though.

A (Mostly) Good Week

The meds adjustment seems to be working so far. I am happy that the clonidine is letting her get a full night's sleep. The circles under her eyes are mostly gone, as is the bruising from the drain on her system.

The mouth is still foul and there is still a definite lack of personal responsibility. It is NEVER her fault and I am ALWAYS the villain. The narcissism is still in full force, as is the "I'm omnipotent!" attitude.

The biggest fight this week is (again) money:

She accuses me all the time of lying when I tell her the bills have to be paid first before we spend money for "fun"--"You just don't want to spend money on ME!!" So I am always fighting a battle with a CHILD over going to the mall to buy random crap she doesn't need so she will feel "loved". We all know that getting a truckload of money spent on us is the ONLY way that love can be proven, right?

Spring break is almost over, none of what I hoped we'd accomplish got done and she is already making noises about not wanting to go back to school just yet. On the other hand, she missed the Spring dance and a cool field trip with her friends, so that might be incentive to go anyway. It is almost an exercise in futility because she has already flunked this year. I cannot afford summer school, so she is going to have to repeat it and fall further behind. She already lost her work permit, so no chances of getting any acting work, either.

She had her new portfolio pictures taken last week anyway (just in case). I look at that heartbreakingly gorgeous face, her wonderful looks in general and the way she shines in front of a camera and I cannot help but wonder who I am looking at in that moment. And, yes--there IS more than one person in there. More on that another time...

I managed to save ballet for at least this year. She (mostly) behaved herself in the last class just before spring break, showed that she could learn the choreography properly and didn't pout. So she gets another chance. Hopefully, she won't screw it up.

Yet, no matter what I do behind the scenes to try to help her, I am still the meanie. I feel like this most of the time.