Nothing but love...

Or, to ask my child, nothing but NO love. The conditions of her illness means that I have to keep a tighter rein on her and to deny her certain freedoms she CLAIMS her friends enjoy. So, to her, that means I don't love her because I don't let her do what she wants when she wants and of course, that is followed by the usual chorus of "I hate you!".

The latest round of "hate" cries came out of this weekend. After managing to miss 13 of the last 18 days at her new school, including Friday, SHE decided she was going to spend the night at a friend's house. Plans had been made, calls and texts exchanged--only no one had asked me beforehand. Much drama ensued and I finally caved--just because I was sick of hearing her tantrums. But, I reminded her, there were things on the schedule for us that required she be home and not roaming the streets. "Oh, I'll be home in time!"

Uh-huh... We know how THAT turned out. I had to cancel a morning appointment because she didn't make it home until after 2 in the afternoon.

Then, knowing I had an invitation to a party being thrown by my local manager, she invited her friend to spend the night! That girl's mother is also bi-polar, so she is no help. She thinks it is perfectly normal to drop her kid off randomly at the homes of others and then wander off for the night. But, she didn't know about my plans (more on that in a minute). Meanwhile, just before it was time for me to leave, the girls decided to wander off. I couldn't leave until they came home because it was dark. That, of course, took away from my evening. Did SHE care? Nope!

Then came the phone calls... "Mom, XXX's mom needs to know when you are coming home because she can't stay if you aren't here." The cut-off point was around 9 PM, but the party was scheduled to go on till 10 or 11. More calls, more texts... I ended up having to leave around 8:30 because it was too nerve-wracking. And then she tells me I have no friends because no one likes me--more like I have friends, but they don't invite me to too many things because of HER antics.


During this time, I told HER to take her meds. Did she? Of course not. In addition, she managed to NOT remember to take her medication with her to her friend's house on Friday. So we are talking a day with no meds! SHE never sees the correlation between missing her medications and her increase in risky behavior. That behavior got really stupid last night.

On the way home, I got a call for mac-and-cheese. I stopped at the store, got the stuff, went home with it and made it for the girls. I also had to hold the evening meds under you-know-who's face till she took them. But it was late and there was trouble brewing because of the other missed medications.

Around 11:30, they decided they wanted to take pictures in the dark, so they went outside. One of them (I don't know who) left BOTH doors to the outside open. That was all the invitation our old cat needed to sneak out and tussle with the yard cats. SHE came into my room, all hysterical because she couldn't find the cat. I got up and went out with them to try and find him. Luckily, he was still in the carport and I nudged him to the porch and he went back into the house. Meanwhile, SHE was crying and the hysteria hit. Screaming, crying, the "I hate you!" over and over because I was not as sympathetic to her tears as she wanted. Why should I tell her everything was OK? She did something irresponsible because she refused to take responsibility for her illness and to take her medications; the cat was also in danger because the yard cats are very young and could have hurt him badly.

Why should she take any responsibility? I am not going to be around forever and her taking personal responsibility for the means to control her condition is going to be a requirement to live independent of an institutional setting. But who am I kidding? SHE won't even take personal responsibility for getting up and going to school and I am expecting her to be able to be independent? HA!

But I don't love her, according to her. I love her, but damn! I am losing myself because I have so much invested in keeping her on this side of the padded rooms. It may not be love the way she sees things, but you know what? No one else I know would have put up with her this long without locking her away by now.