Or, to ask my child, nothing but NO love. The conditions of her illness means that I have to keep a tighter rein on her and to deny her certain freedoms she CLAIMS her friends enjoy. So, to her, that means I don't love her because I don't let her do what she wants when she wants and of course, that is followed by the usual chorus of "I hate you!".
The latest round of "hate" cries came out of this weekend. After managing to miss 13 of the last 18 days at her new school, including Friday, SHE decided she was going to spend the night at a friend's house. Plans had been made, calls and texts exchanged--only no one had asked me beforehand. Much drama ensued and I finally caved--just because I was sick of hearing her tantrums. But, I reminded her, there were things on the schedule for us that required she be home and not roaming the streets. "Oh, I'll be home in time!"
Uh-huh... We know how THAT turned out. I had to cancel a morning appointment because she didn't make it home until after 2 in the afternoon.
Then, knowing I had an invitation to a party being thrown by my local manager, she invited her friend to spend the night! That girl's mother is also bi-polar, so she is no help. She thinks it is perfectly normal to drop her kid off randomly at the homes of others and then wander off for the night. But, she didn't know about my plans (more on that in a minute). Meanwhile, just before it was time for me to leave, the girls decided to wander off. I couldn't leave until they came home because it was dark. That, of course, took away from my evening. Did SHE care? Nope!
Then came the phone calls... "Mom, XXX's mom needs to know when you are coming home because she can't stay if you aren't here." The cut-off point was around 9 PM, but the party was scheduled to go on till 10 or 11. More calls, more texts... I ended up having to leave around 8:30 because it was too nerve-wracking. And then she tells me I have no friends because no one likes me--more like I have friends, but they don't invite me to too many things because of HER antics.
During this time, I told HER to take her meds. Did she? Of course not. In addition, she managed to NOT remember to take her medication with her to her friend's house on Friday. So we are talking a day with no meds! SHE never sees the correlation between missing her medications and her increase in risky behavior. That behavior got really stupid last night.
On the way home, I got a call for mac-and-cheese. I stopped at the store, got the stuff, went home with it and made it for the girls. I also had to hold the evening meds under you-know-who's face till she took them. But it was late and there was trouble brewing because of the other missed medications.
Around 11:30, they decided they wanted to take pictures in the dark, so they went outside. One of them (I don't know who) left BOTH doors to the outside open. That was all the invitation our old cat needed to sneak out and tussle with the yard cats. SHE came into my room, all hysterical because she couldn't find the cat. I got up and went out with them to try and find him. Luckily, he was still in the carport and I nudged him to the porch and he went back into the house. Meanwhile, SHE was crying and the hysteria hit. Screaming, crying, the "I hate you!" over and over because I was not as sympathetic to her tears as she wanted. Why should I tell her everything was OK? She did something irresponsible because she refused to take responsibility for her illness and to take her medications; the cat was also in danger because the yard cats are very young and could have hurt him badly.
Why should she take any responsibility? I am not going to be around forever and her taking personal responsibility for the means to control her condition is going to be a requirement to live independent of an institutional setting. But who am I kidding? SHE won't even take personal responsibility for getting up and going to school and I am expecting her to be able to be independent? HA!
But I don't love her, according to her. I love her, but damn! I am losing myself because I have so much invested in keeping her on this side of the padded rooms. It may not be love the way she sees things, but you know what? No one else I know would have put up with her this long without locking her away by now.
20 December 2009
17 November 2009
The end has come
SHE stole a dog from her friend's apartment complex because she didn't like the way the kids who owned it treated it. She had a million excuses why she took it: the dog had no collar, the kids picked it up wrong, it was outside with no one watching it...
At this point, there is no hope left. I asked the school psychologist to check into hospital school because she needs intensive around the clock therapy along with the school environment. I cannot do this any more.
At this point, there is no hope left. I asked the school psychologist to check into hospital school because she needs intensive around the clock therapy along with the school environment. I cannot do this any more.
16 November 2009
Just more and more piling up
Well, the school has decided SHE cannot be in general education any more. Nor can she be in their school. So, as soon as it all can be arranged, she is being moved to a contained classroom where she will be watched and trained to be another burger flipper.
If she had gotten up and gone to school no matter what, maybe they would have just provided the extra support at her regular school. However, she won't move without an act of God. So, buh-bye to friends and school activities and hello to the short bus. No dances, no boyfriends--just lots and lots of training in a UNIFORM school.
I am sitting here tonight waiting for her to get home. SHE has found another friend to graft onto and the mother is allowing her to stay there all hours in direct opposition to my desires. I know SHE is doing her best "Cinderella" with yet another stranger, telling the mom that I am beating her and starving her and dressing her in rags. Yep. The thousands of dollars worth of clothes all over my living room floor are just window dressing for DFAS, right?
If she had gotten up and gone to school no matter what, maybe they would have just provided the extra support at her regular school. However, she won't move without an act of God. So, buh-bye to friends and school activities and hello to the short bus. No dances, no boyfriends--just lots and lots of training in a UNIFORM school.
I am sitting here tonight waiting for her to get home. SHE has found another friend to graft onto and the mother is allowing her to stay there all hours in direct opposition to my desires. I know SHE is doing her best "Cinderella" with yet another stranger, telling the mom that I am beating her and starving her and dressing her in rags. Yep. The thousands of dollars worth of clothes all over my living room floor are just window dressing for DFAS, right?
17 October 2009
It's all the same
As usual, the drama continues. This child of mine needs to go somewhere else for a long, LONG time. I cannot deal with it much longer.
For the last several weeks, SHE has been bouncing all over the emotional map, usually on the "wrong" side of that map. Oh, that is except when she is at other people's houses--then she is a perfect little angel and does no wrong for others. Yeah, right... Perfect until she decides they took something of hers or ate her snack or touched her clothes or whatever. Then I get calls demanding I come get her or that someone else does because they don't want her around any more.
SHE is also flunking school again--partially because she is not doing the work and partially because of attendance again. 45 days in the quarter and SHE has missed 23+. Even with straight A's across the board (as if!), the school will flunk her just for not being there. The worst part? SHE doesn't care. Doesn't matter to her that I have received a truancy notice because she "forgot" to turn in the notes or that I could get fined/jail time for her "forgetfulness". It also doesn't matter that, should that happen, I lose my job and we lose the house and everything in it. As long as SHE is happy about it, the problem does not exist.
We are also going through the hair issue big time. The Abilify has caused severe hair loss and so now SHE insists on gluing extensions to bare scalp. Well, that is NOT going to make it grow back and will, in fact, make sure no hair grows in those places ever again. SHE will not wear a wig because of an incident at the school last year when some assish kids pulled the wig off a girl undergoing chemo and played keep-away with it in the middle of the lunch room (no teacher stopped it and the beetches were not disciplined because it was "all in fun"). But SHE is almost BALD!!! I see more scalp than hair, but she sees nothing but her extensions and thinks she looks good.
Also, she has put on ten pounds, which is bad for her frame. I took her for a physical and the doctor did blood work. He now wants her to get MORE work done--in the followup, he muttered something about how the thyroid results could not possibly be correct. I already think that is why she is putting on weight and her hair is falling out--the Abilify is destroying her health.
I was supposed to meet with her shrink this week, but he canceled the appointment at the last minute and now it will be almost two weeks before I can get him to do something concerning the meds. Meanwhile, if she has any problems making her head look presentable, she will not go to school. It is too late for home schooling this semester and I don't trust her to do it next semester. So...?
Right now, I am looking at a living room full of her crap, dragged out of her room in an effort to clean. Yes, you can see HER floor, but now I cannot maneuver anywhere else. She got insane with hair dye last night trying to make fake dreadlocks and there is now pink hair dye all over the bath stall, the sink, the floor, the toilet seat cover and every towel that was in there. It is also all over my sheets. When I took pictures of the mess, SHE attacked me and then had the nerve to get angry because I hit back.
And, the poop cherry on the crap cake? She, without asking me, invited one of her stray-dog friends to spend the rest of the weekend with us because her mom's boyfriend/roommate/whatever doesn't like her around. The girl's MOM told her to find somewhere to stay for the weekend and, of course, SHE volunteered our house--the one covered in her crap from one end to the other. We are also low on food, yet I am expected to feed this other kid. Even better? SHE has told the girl we are going to bring her along to the therapist appointment tonight. That means feeding both of them afterward. So, knowing the money situation, it means I do without. I gather I have already been "volunteered" to take them to the mall to hang out tomorrow. I don't even want this girl in my house to begin with. But SHE will not take "no" for an answer and I am not in the mood to be killed in my sleep over it.
This week, I had to put in some night shifts. Every night, SHE called with a crisis that meant I had to leave the crew I asked for to begin with doing the work while I went home to deal with whatever bull she cooked up. My boss pointed out that it was becoming an issue and that they were going to start documenting every incident where I had to leave because of an issue with HER. Then it would become disciplinary actions, followed by suspensions and finally dismissal. I just need to get through 2011 to keep my insurance for HER because she will never get coverage on her own. It is the only benefit worth sticking around for and she is doing her best to make sure I lose it. That's because it is something of mine SHE cannot steal, as she does so many other things (money, my laptop, electronics, health).
My metabolism is shot as it is, so not eating properly is putting me at risk for diabetes and other issues. My weight is at an all-time high because my body is hoarding calories. But, again, that matters not to HER because she knows she will get food (even as she tells anyone who listens that I "starve her to death"). Of course, when I drop dead from a stress heart attack, SHE thinks she is getting it all. Nope. Goes to a trust and she won't get a dime in principle--ever.
For the last several weeks, SHE has been bouncing all over the emotional map, usually on the "wrong" side of that map. Oh, that is except when she is at other people's houses--then she is a perfect little angel and does no wrong for others. Yeah, right... Perfect until she decides they took something of hers or ate her snack or touched her clothes or whatever. Then I get calls demanding I come get her or that someone else does because they don't want her around any more.
SHE is also flunking school again--partially because she is not doing the work and partially because of attendance again. 45 days in the quarter and SHE has missed 23+. Even with straight A's across the board (as if!), the school will flunk her just for not being there. The worst part? SHE doesn't care. Doesn't matter to her that I have received a truancy notice because she "forgot" to turn in the notes or that I could get fined/jail time for her "forgetfulness". It also doesn't matter that, should that happen, I lose my job and we lose the house and everything in it. As long as SHE is happy about it, the problem does not exist.
We are also going through the hair issue big time. The Abilify has caused severe hair loss and so now SHE insists on gluing extensions to bare scalp. Well, that is NOT going to make it grow back and will, in fact, make sure no hair grows in those places ever again. SHE will not wear a wig because of an incident at the school last year when some assish kids pulled the wig off a girl undergoing chemo and played keep-away with it in the middle of the lunch room (no teacher stopped it and the beetches were not disciplined because it was "all in fun"). But SHE is almost BALD!!! I see more scalp than hair, but she sees nothing but her extensions and thinks she looks good.
Also, she has put on ten pounds, which is bad for her frame. I took her for a physical and the doctor did blood work. He now wants her to get MORE work done--in the followup, he muttered something about how the thyroid results could not possibly be correct. I already think that is why she is putting on weight and her hair is falling out--the Abilify is destroying her health.
I was supposed to meet with her shrink this week, but he canceled the appointment at the last minute and now it will be almost two weeks before I can get him to do something concerning the meds. Meanwhile, if she has any problems making her head look presentable, she will not go to school. It is too late for home schooling this semester and I don't trust her to do it next semester. So...?
Right now, I am looking at a living room full of her crap, dragged out of her room in an effort to clean. Yes, you can see HER floor, but now I cannot maneuver anywhere else. She got insane with hair dye last night trying to make fake dreadlocks and there is now pink hair dye all over the bath stall, the sink, the floor, the toilet seat cover and every towel that was in there. It is also all over my sheets. When I took pictures of the mess, SHE attacked me and then had the nerve to get angry because I hit back.
And, the poop cherry on the crap cake? She, without asking me, invited one of her stray-dog friends to spend the rest of the weekend with us because her mom's boyfriend/roommate/whatever doesn't like her around. The girl's MOM told her to find somewhere to stay for the weekend and, of course, SHE volunteered our house--the one covered in her crap from one end to the other. We are also low on food, yet I am expected to feed this other kid. Even better? SHE has told the girl we are going to bring her along to the therapist appointment tonight. That means feeding both of them afterward. So, knowing the money situation, it means I do without. I gather I have already been "volunteered" to take them to the mall to hang out tomorrow. I don't even want this girl in my house to begin with. But SHE will not take "no" for an answer and I am not in the mood to be killed in my sleep over it.
This week, I had to put in some night shifts. Every night, SHE called with a crisis that meant I had to leave the crew I asked for to begin with doing the work while I went home to deal with whatever bull she cooked up. My boss pointed out that it was becoming an issue and that they were going to start documenting every incident where I had to leave because of an issue with HER. Then it would become disciplinary actions, followed by suspensions and finally dismissal. I just need to get through 2011 to keep my insurance for HER because she will never get coverage on her own. It is the only benefit worth sticking around for and she is doing her best to make sure I lose it. That's because it is something of mine SHE cannot steal, as she does so many other things (money, my laptop, electronics, health).
My metabolism is shot as it is, so not eating properly is putting me at risk for diabetes and other issues. My weight is at an all-time high because my body is hoarding calories. But, again, that matters not to HER because she knows she will get food (even as she tells anyone who listens that I "starve her to death"). Of course, when I drop dead from a stress heart attack, SHE thinks she is getting it all. Nope. Goes to a trust and she won't get a dime in principle--ever.
18 August 2009
It was nice while it lasted
No sooner did SHE get off the plane than she reverted to type. Well, actually, she reverted two days before when she went nuts and accused the family of stealing from her. SHE has never been able to accurately handle anything with numbers, she spent all her money and then got mad because she thought that her uncle was using HER money to buy something for her cousin. Considering how much money they spent on her during the almost two weeks she was there, I told her point-blank that I wouldn't care if they used ALL her money.
The text messages she sent me were horrible and I would have loved to have been there to jack her up for them. You do NOT call your relatives mother-truckers (or the other word) because they told you you were broke.
Since then, it has been back to the usual crap. Hair dyed constantly, house trashed, disappearing on a whim (as now) with no way to find her... I don't know how much more I should have to take.
We had to go to L.A. for her business and she tried her best to derail that, too. Don't think I didn't contemplate pushing her out of the car onto the Interstate at times. Because of her whining, I ended up parking where I shouldn't have and now have a $61 parking ticket that I may or may not pay. I am broke and still expected to have some money to give her friend's mom to keep her next week while I am out of town on a business thing.
School starts next week, she will be a PITA to them and I will not be available to deal with the drama I know she is capable of causing.
The text messages she sent me were horrible and I would have loved to have been there to jack her up for them. You do NOT call your relatives mother-truckers (or the other word) because they told you you were broke.
Since then, it has been back to the usual crap. Hair dyed constantly, house trashed, disappearing on a whim (as now) with no way to find her... I don't know how much more I should have to take.
We had to go to L.A. for her business and she tried her best to derail that, too. Don't think I didn't contemplate pushing her out of the car onto the Interstate at times. Because of her whining, I ended up parking where I shouldn't have and now have a $61 parking ticket that I may or may not pay. I am broke and still expected to have some money to give her friend's mom to keep her next week while I am out of town on a business thing.
School starts next week, she will be a PITA to them and I will not be available to deal with the drama I know she is capable of causing.
01 August 2009
Separation
Since Tuesday night, SHE has been elsewhere. I put her on a plane with a family friend and sent her back East for 12 days (give or take, counting travel). I needed her to get away from here for a while because otherwise, with me working, SHE would find something bad to do.
But the departure was not without incident. I was not moving fast enough for her tastes as she wanted to go to a store to get something before she left. So, as is her wont, she decided she was going to take off on foot (to a store over five miles away, you must understand). I chased after her and the usual attack on her part commenced. Kicking and hitting and cussing me out. I admit--I went upside her head as I tried to fend off her attacks. She bit the hell out of me and left an ugly mark that still has not healed. I've been sick all week and I suspect it was from the bite as SHE hates to brush her teeth at home.
Yet, all I hear from people back home is what a sweetheart she is being. B.S.! The child is playing up to them because she likes the petting and the sympathy.
But--you know what? I miss her because she is MY child and, when she is not in one of her worse personas, she is someone I want to have around. Plus, I really do love her despite all the damages.
But the departure was not without incident. I was not moving fast enough for her tastes as she wanted to go to a store to get something before she left. So, as is her wont, she decided she was going to take off on foot (to a store over five miles away, you must understand). I chased after her and the usual attack on her part commenced. Kicking and hitting and cussing me out. I admit--I went upside her head as I tried to fend off her attacks. She bit the hell out of me and left an ugly mark that still has not healed. I've been sick all week and I suspect it was from the bite as SHE hates to brush her teeth at home.
Yet, all I hear from people back home is what a sweetheart she is being. B.S.! The child is playing up to them because she likes the petting and the sympathy.
But--you know what? I miss her because she is MY child and, when she is not in one of her worse personas, she is someone I want to have around. Plus, I really do love her despite all the damages.
19 July 2009
I am so tired, part whatever
This has been another banner week for the monsters, for sure...
For the past two weeks, I have had to put in some overnight shifts and then try to sleep during the day. SHE thought it was funny to keep bothering me every afternoon while I attempted to nap--demanding food, drinks or for me to take her to the store to spend money we do not have for frivolities. I maybe got 20 hours over ten days, so I was worn out before all this happened.
HER latest shockwave started over the hair again. SHE has to go back to her original blond and leave it alone so her scalp can heal from all the crap. Since the beginning of the year, there have been more chemicals dumped on her head than I have had in my entire life and that stuff is now damaging her actual scalp. SHE has freaking BALD spots that are completely hairless because I think she killed the follicles.
Now, foolishly, I agreed to a light treatment of pink and green--IF she got back to her blond first. But--she was not to do it till yesterday after an appointment she had. I agreed to the blond lightening only for Thursday night. SHE decided to do it without me and didn't leave the lightener on long enough, which left her hair with an orange tint. Instead of waiting 24 hours to redo the lightener, SHE immediately put the pink and green in. On top of the orange, those colors came out looking like shades of poop. Well, SHE didn't want to go to school looking like that, so she dumped a jar of Manic Panic black all over her head (and down her face, shoulders and onto her body), the bathroom, the towels AND my laundry basket. All the while, her BFF was egging her on via the phone.
When I saw the results, I exploded. I was pissed beyond belief that SHE would do that kind of damage knowing the condition her hair was already in. I wanted to kill her right then and there.
I told her to get off the phone and she refused, running all over the house with it and telling that stupid BFF of hers that I was "hurting" her when ALL I was doing was yelling about the stupidity of her actions. Did I want to beat her? I am not going to lie and say no. Yes--I wanted to spank her and lock her in her room for about an decade at that moment. If you ever heard HER at her Beast-ish worst, you would want to as well out of sheer frustration.
But a new personality mesh has occured: The Beast and Danya have created an alliance that SHE gave a name to--Salome. I have discovered that when a new personality comes out, SHE starts telling everyone that is what she wants to change her name to. So what I was dealing with was actually Salome: all the brute force of The Beast with the pure meaness of Danya.
Anyway, Salome kept on and on about how much she hated me and how evil I am, all the time hitting me and calling me every name in the book. Meanwhile, she would NOT hang up the phone. BFF would not hang up the phone, telling HER that if her mom heard how I talked to HER, the mom would come and "rescue" her from me. This from a family where the second oldest son talks to the mom the same way Danya talks to me and they refuse to make him move out of the house. "Do as I say, not as I do" seems to be the motto over there.
SHE has never gotten her mind wrapped around the fact that people do not air their business in front of guests and so she does not see the drama when it is just family. Yet, SHE insists on broadcasting all of our business through whatever warped filter she uses to make herself look a hero. I am absolutely appalled at some of the boldfaced lies she tells people about what goes on when it is just us.
SHE does not tell them she considers me her servant and never asks for anything--it is always a demand. She tosses her crap all over the floor and then, when she can't find something, accuses me of moving it so she can't find it. Then she tells all her friends I hide/steal her stuff on purpose. There is NEVER an acknowledgement of her own culpibility in the misplacements. It is ALWAYS my fault.
But back to the hair incident...
On top of the damage from the dye, SHE wears these ratty clip-on extensions. With very little hair to hide the tracks and hold the weight, they are dangerous to what hair is left. Yet SHE wears them and thinks no one notices. Well, with the black highlighting the bald areas, it is not hard to see the fakes at all. I asked her to at least lay off the extensions for a few days. That was followed by another assault by Salome. So she went to summer school looking like a cancer patient.
Friday night, after being told NO several times concerning putting cheetah spots over the black, she found some bleach and did it anyway. Ugly enough... BUT then she went back an hour later to the mixture which she had capped and it exploded all over her face, including into her eyes. Would you believe Salome said it was my fault for that, as well? Again, BFF on the phone encouraging her to do the stupid $h!t!!! I tried to help her with the cleaning up and flushing her eyes, but she again started screaming I was hurting her on purpose. OMFG!!! I was trying to keep her from going blind and she's telling people I am hurting her!
It didn't get any better yesterday. Even though BFF knew I had planned to take HER to see the new "Harry Potter" movie today, she invited HER to go with her family yesterday. Of course, she accepted knowing how much it would hurt my feelings. Except, according to her, I have no feelings at all except anger because I will not cry in front of her. Why would I? That would only give her more ammo. I let her go, but made sure BFF's mother knew I was not happy. I also made sure I sprung the little sleepover plan on her because they lied about her knowing before SHE got in the car. That way, another parent was going to have to know my pain. Childish? Of course! But the mom has her own issues that I am going to be addressing with her.
SHE likes to tell me that all her friends are afraid of me because I yell at her. SHE never tells her friends that she is a little terror and deserves every word and more. I don't care that they don't like me. I am not fond of drug-taking, shoplifting, sexually active little turdblossoms who run the streets all night because their parents are either too drunk to care or not ever home to know. I WANT them to be afraid of me because I want my child to see what happens when a parent doesn't give a damn about their kids.
Now, BFF's mom (aka Mommy K)--there's a winner. I like the woman somewhat, but she has her own issues.
She is a cancer survivor and is still dealing with the aftermath, so she has gone all new-age on her family. Chakras and auras and homeopathic medicines for everyone is her answer to all woes. BFF has a twin with some of the same issues as SHE does--mom's answer? Vitimins and burning candles. I am not sure the girl is getting meds or therapy. I doubt it because she is quite withdrawn and spends as much time away from the rest of the household as possible. The oldest boy joined the Army as soon as he could. The next son is a clone of HER. Same symptoms and actions, but with no control--the irony is that SHE thinks it is so sad that the 2nd son talks to his mom the way SHE talks to me, but cannot make the connection about how it is no different than how she talks to me. The husband is a non-entity, but stays there because they cannot afford to get divorced in this economy. I gather Mommy K sleeps in one or the other of the girls' room because hubby took over the master bedroom.
Now Mommy K fills my daughter's head full of crap when she is over there. One thing that really pisses me off is BFF constantly telling MY kid that her mom would come and take HER if she heard me yelling at her. I am also pissed that the woman tells my kid that I am too "aggressive" for her and I need therapy, not her. Seriously? This from a woman who has a completely disfunctional house, kids who are either running away or abusing her, and one who will most likely be the one to get knocked up or end up in jail because she is ignored in favor of BFF who is an honor roll student and a cheerleader (and a liar).
Am I aggressive*? In the sense that I am boldly assertive and forward, yes. That I expect the best effort and that I am forceful and enterprising as well as " vigorously energetic, esp. in the use of initiative and forcefulness"--also yes. In the sense that I am "characterized by or tending toward unprovoked offensives, attacks, invasions, or the like; militant forward or menacing"--well that is bullsmack. That would be HER. I have been told over and over that I have to be like a drill sargeant with HER because SHE needs to have exacting order in her life so that her internal friends don't get a chance to make poor decisions due to lack of control.
Meanwhile, SHE is still over at Mommy K's knowing that she has all the summer school homework to get done before Tuesday or she will flunk that, too. No work permit and she will have to take math again with the same teacher who screwed her over this past year... She knows, maybe she cares someplace in there (Krissy and Elly might care, maybe even Abby), but Salome thinks "she" is invincible and is like the red-hot poker behind the eyes goading HER to the worst.
Can anyone truly fault me for looking forward to HER being gone for almost two weeks? I freakin' need the rest!
*Definitions from Dictionary.com
For the past two weeks, I have had to put in some overnight shifts and then try to sleep during the day. SHE thought it was funny to keep bothering me every afternoon while I attempted to nap--demanding food, drinks or for me to take her to the store to spend money we do not have for frivolities. I maybe got 20 hours over ten days, so I was worn out before all this happened.
HER latest shockwave started over the hair again. SHE has to go back to her original blond and leave it alone so her scalp can heal from all the crap. Since the beginning of the year, there have been more chemicals dumped on her head than I have had in my entire life and that stuff is now damaging her actual scalp. SHE has freaking BALD spots that are completely hairless because I think she killed the follicles.
Now, foolishly, I agreed to a light treatment of pink and green--IF she got back to her blond first. But--she was not to do it till yesterday after an appointment she had. I agreed to the blond lightening only for Thursday night. SHE decided to do it without me and didn't leave the lightener on long enough, which left her hair with an orange tint. Instead of waiting 24 hours to redo the lightener, SHE immediately put the pink and green in. On top of the orange, those colors came out looking like shades of poop. Well, SHE didn't want to go to school looking like that, so she dumped a jar of Manic Panic black all over her head (and down her face, shoulders and onto her body), the bathroom, the towels AND my laundry basket. All the while, her BFF was egging her on via the phone.
When I saw the results, I exploded. I was pissed beyond belief that SHE would do that kind of damage knowing the condition her hair was already in. I wanted to kill her right then and there.
I told her to get off the phone and she refused, running all over the house with it and telling that stupid BFF of hers that I was "hurting" her when ALL I was doing was yelling about the stupidity of her actions. Did I want to beat her? I am not going to lie and say no. Yes--I wanted to spank her and lock her in her room for about an decade at that moment. If you ever heard HER at her Beast-ish worst, you would want to as well out of sheer frustration.
But a new personality mesh has occured: The Beast and Danya have created an alliance that SHE gave a name to--Salome. I have discovered that when a new personality comes out, SHE starts telling everyone that is what she wants to change her name to. So what I was dealing with was actually Salome: all the brute force of The Beast with the pure meaness of Danya.
Anyway, Salome kept on and on about how much she hated me and how evil I am, all the time hitting me and calling me every name in the book. Meanwhile, she would NOT hang up the phone. BFF would not hang up the phone, telling HER that if her mom heard how I talked to HER, the mom would come and "rescue" her from me. This from a family where the second oldest son talks to the mom the same way Danya talks to me and they refuse to make him move out of the house. "Do as I say, not as I do" seems to be the motto over there.
SHE has never gotten her mind wrapped around the fact that people do not air their business in front of guests and so she does not see the drama when it is just family. Yet, SHE insists on broadcasting all of our business through whatever warped filter she uses to make herself look a hero. I am absolutely appalled at some of the boldfaced lies she tells people about what goes on when it is just us.
SHE does not tell them she considers me her servant and never asks for anything--it is always a demand. She tosses her crap all over the floor and then, when she can't find something, accuses me of moving it so she can't find it. Then she tells all her friends I hide/steal her stuff on purpose. There is NEVER an acknowledgement of her own culpibility in the misplacements. It is ALWAYS my fault.
But back to the hair incident...
On top of the damage from the dye, SHE wears these ratty clip-on extensions. With very little hair to hide the tracks and hold the weight, they are dangerous to what hair is left. Yet SHE wears them and thinks no one notices. Well, with the black highlighting the bald areas, it is not hard to see the fakes at all. I asked her to at least lay off the extensions for a few days. That was followed by another assault by Salome. So she went to summer school looking like a cancer patient.
Friday night, after being told NO several times concerning putting cheetah spots over the black, she found some bleach and did it anyway. Ugly enough... BUT then she went back an hour later to the mixture which she had capped and it exploded all over her face, including into her eyes. Would you believe Salome said it was my fault for that, as well? Again, BFF on the phone encouraging her to do the stupid $h!t!!! I tried to help her with the cleaning up and flushing her eyes, but she again started screaming I was hurting her on purpose. OMFG!!! I was trying to keep her from going blind and she's telling people I am hurting her!
It didn't get any better yesterday. Even though BFF knew I had planned to take HER to see the new "Harry Potter" movie today, she invited HER to go with her family yesterday. Of course, she accepted knowing how much it would hurt my feelings. Except, according to her, I have no feelings at all except anger because I will not cry in front of her. Why would I? That would only give her more ammo. I let her go, but made sure BFF's mother knew I was not happy. I also made sure I sprung the little sleepover plan on her because they lied about her knowing before SHE got in the car. That way, another parent was going to have to know my pain. Childish? Of course! But the mom has her own issues that I am going to be addressing with her.
SHE likes to tell me that all her friends are afraid of me because I yell at her. SHE never tells her friends that she is a little terror and deserves every word and more. I don't care that they don't like me. I am not fond of drug-taking, shoplifting, sexually active little turdblossoms who run the streets all night because their parents are either too drunk to care or not ever home to know. I WANT them to be afraid of me because I want my child to see what happens when a parent doesn't give a damn about their kids.
Now, BFF's mom (aka Mommy K)--there's a winner. I like the woman somewhat, but she has her own issues.
She is a cancer survivor and is still dealing with the aftermath, so she has gone all new-age on her family. Chakras and auras and homeopathic medicines for everyone is her answer to all woes. BFF has a twin with some of the same issues as SHE does--mom's answer? Vitimins and burning candles. I am not sure the girl is getting meds or therapy. I doubt it because she is quite withdrawn and spends as much time away from the rest of the household as possible. The oldest boy joined the Army as soon as he could. The next son is a clone of HER. Same symptoms and actions, but with no control--the irony is that SHE thinks it is so sad that the 2nd son talks to his mom the way SHE talks to me, but cannot make the connection about how it is no different than how she talks to me. The husband is a non-entity, but stays there because they cannot afford to get divorced in this economy. I gather Mommy K sleeps in one or the other of the girls' room because hubby took over the master bedroom.
Now Mommy K fills my daughter's head full of crap when she is over there. One thing that really pisses me off is BFF constantly telling MY kid that her mom would come and take HER if she heard me yelling at her. I am also pissed that the woman tells my kid that I am too "aggressive" for her and I need therapy, not her. Seriously? This from a woman who has a completely disfunctional house, kids who are either running away or abusing her, and one who will most likely be the one to get knocked up or end up in jail because she is ignored in favor of BFF who is an honor roll student and a cheerleader (and a liar).
Am I aggressive*? In the sense that I am boldly assertive and forward, yes. That I expect the best effort and that I am forceful and enterprising as well as " vigorously energetic, esp. in the use of initiative and forcefulness"--also yes. In the sense that I am "characterized by or tending toward unprovoked offensives, attacks, invasions, or the like; militant forward or menacing"--well that is bullsmack. That would be HER. I have been told over and over that I have to be like a drill sargeant with HER because SHE needs to have exacting order in her life so that her internal friends don't get a chance to make poor decisions due to lack of control.
Meanwhile, SHE is still over at Mommy K's knowing that she has all the summer school homework to get done before Tuesday or she will flunk that, too. No work permit and she will have to take math again with the same teacher who screwed her over this past year... She knows, maybe she cares someplace in there (Krissy and Elly might care, maybe even Abby), but Salome thinks "she" is invincible and is like the red-hot poker behind the eyes goading HER to the worst.
Can anyone truly fault me for looking forward to HER being gone for almost two weeks? I freakin' need the rest!
*Definitions from Dictionary.com
12 July 2009
Just another day in purgatory
For a while it seemed things were getting better, then POW! The Beast comes out in the worst places and at the worst times. Today, it was at the mall. "Krissy" decided the neighbor girl she used to be friends with needed a makeover. So off to the mall we went--ostensibly to seek out less manly clothes for the young lady.
Two minutes after we walked into a particularly favorite store of most of the Crew, Krissy had a pile of stuff she wanted me to buy for her. I was about to sort it out when she announced that she had promised to buy some crap thing for a friend of hers. SHE had promised to buy with MY money!!! Um... No. I told her that if she insisted I buy something for some person I loathe because she "promised already" then she could not have the things she wanted for herself because my budget is already stretched too thin. That was the last I saw of Krissy. The Beast emerged and decided to become obnoxious, loud and profane in her response to the compromise offered. She also lashed out physically again, punching me in the breasts because some idiot told her that hitting a breast can cause cancer. And, yes--I jerked her around after that and should have beaten her butt in public, mental illness or not. But The Beast knows where she has a sympathetic audience and chooses her forums carefully. I would have been in handcuffs before the first swat on the behind.
I just took the friend and left to show her some other stores that might be more to her taste. The Beast followed us and screamed at me to "get back in there NOW", this followed by her grabbing my bag so hard she broke the straps. It was all I took not to toss her over the side of the balcony.
The Beast stayed around for most of the afternoon, causing issues all along the way--cursing at me, slapping and otherwise being as ugly as possible.
It took nearly an hour before Danya emerged just long enough to tell me that the promised item was for a birthday present. Had I been presented with that information to begin with, my reaction would have been far different. But I cannot stand being told by a child that I "WILL" do anything. Once I knew it was a birthday present, I had no issue with buying the item in question. However, it does mean no extras for the rest of the week. The Beast, Danya and Krissy do not understand the concept of a budget--they all actually commented that I could use a credit card or one of my debit cards because I need to buy them what they ask for.
In two weeks, the Crew is going back home to visit family for a long week. I am so looking forward to a break. From them, from the lowlife "friends", from the stress...
Those damned "friends" have discovered The Beast will cooperate with them and so they call her to ask me for rides, for money, for other stuff their own parents cannot get for them. They use her for what they can get out of her and steal what she won't willingly give them. In fact, just a little while ago, the neighbor saw someone trying to go into her bedroom. Luckily, she woke up and whoever it was took off. But the mere fact someone tried to come into our house pisses me off. I have no doubt that it was one of those lowlifes attempting to steal her clothes or something. Now waiting for the cops... That ought to take about three hours.
Two minutes after we walked into a particularly favorite store of most of the Crew, Krissy had a pile of stuff she wanted me to buy for her. I was about to sort it out when she announced that she had promised to buy some crap thing for a friend of hers. SHE had promised to buy with MY money!!! Um... No. I told her that if she insisted I buy something for some person I loathe because she "promised already" then she could not have the things she wanted for herself because my budget is already stretched too thin. That was the last I saw of Krissy. The Beast emerged and decided to become obnoxious, loud and profane in her response to the compromise offered. She also lashed out physically again, punching me in the breasts because some idiot told her that hitting a breast can cause cancer. And, yes--I jerked her around after that and should have beaten her butt in public, mental illness or not. But The Beast knows where she has a sympathetic audience and chooses her forums carefully. I would have been in handcuffs before the first swat on the behind.
I just took the friend and left to show her some other stores that might be more to her taste. The Beast followed us and screamed at me to "get back in there NOW", this followed by her grabbing my bag so hard she broke the straps. It was all I took not to toss her over the side of the balcony.
The Beast stayed around for most of the afternoon, causing issues all along the way--cursing at me, slapping and otherwise being as ugly as possible.
It took nearly an hour before Danya emerged just long enough to tell me that the promised item was for a birthday present. Had I been presented with that information to begin with, my reaction would have been far different. But I cannot stand being told by a child that I "WILL" do anything. Once I knew it was a birthday present, I had no issue with buying the item in question. However, it does mean no extras for the rest of the week. The Beast, Danya and Krissy do not understand the concept of a budget--they all actually commented that I could use a credit card or one of my debit cards because I need to buy them what they ask for.
In two weeks, the Crew is going back home to visit family for a long week. I am so looking forward to a break. From them, from the lowlife "friends", from the stress...
Those damned "friends" have discovered The Beast will cooperate with them and so they call her to ask me for rides, for money, for other stuff their own parents cannot get for them. They use her for what they can get out of her and steal what she won't willingly give them. In fact, just a little while ago, the neighbor saw someone trying to go into her bedroom. Luckily, she woke up and whoever it was took off. But the mere fact someone tried to come into our house pisses me off. I have no doubt that it was one of those lowlifes attempting to steal her clothes or something. Now waiting for the cops... That ought to take about three hours.
13 June 2009
Idiot child!!!
SHE finally called me to get her at almost noon today. She looked like she had been sleeping under a bridge. Come to find out, that was pretty close. The mother of the girl she was supposed to be spending the night at had no clue and kicked everyone out of the house last night around 11 PM. Instead of calling me to come get her, SHE (along with Danya, I suspect) decided that she was going to stick around with her so-called nasty-ass friends and sleep on her friend's front stoop because she wanted to spend the night outside.
At least I got a dose of meds into her when I brought her and a friend (see below) back to the house. SHE has been skipping her regular dosages and it is showing in the worst way possible. SHE does not understand that she is making worse and worse choices for herself. I am just happy she was not committed to the fashion show today. One look at her current condition and she would have been laughed out of the building.
SHE has also started back to hanging out with that loser girl who is in foster care (FCG). One day with her and SHE is hunting for the pink hair dye again--literally. I have it hidden and SHE is NOT going to have access to it any time soon. Getting it out the last time almost rendered her bald. This time, she would end up bald with no chance of it ever growing back. But those things are crowded out by the chorus telling her that it would make her cooler and that it would come out so easy if she does it different this time.
FCG also convinced her that it would be OK to take Sharpies and draw all over the bedroom door. "You can just buy a new door, 'K?" I guess SHE hasn't noticed that her little pal is going to hell as she exists now and doesn't seem to have any compunction about dragging her friends down with her.
The foster parents don't even know where FCG is, I'll bet. I've met the people. I believe they are in it for the checks and not because they want to help. Of course, we are talking about a system where a white teenage girl was placed with old Black people. Nothing racist here, but they have ZERO clue about what to do with this kid, so they are letting her roam the streets much the same as her real parents did.
SHE doesn't call by 6 PM, at 6:01, I call the cops to pick her up. Maybe not, but you know... The urgency of this...this problem is always poking me in the back to make good my threats to do so.
At least I got a dose of meds into her when I brought her and a friend (see below) back to the house. SHE has been skipping her regular dosages and it is showing in the worst way possible. SHE does not understand that she is making worse and worse choices for herself. I am just happy she was not committed to the fashion show today. One look at her current condition and she would have been laughed out of the building.
SHE has also started back to hanging out with that loser girl who is in foster care (FCG). One day with her and SHE is hunting for the pink hair dye again--literally. I have it hidden and SHE is NOT going to have access to it any time soon. Getting it out the last time almost rendered her bald. This time, she would end up bald with no chance of it ever growing back. But those things are crowded out by the chorus telling her that it would make her cooler and that it would come out so easy if she does it different this time.
FCG also convinced her that it would be OK to take Sharpies and draw all over the bedroom door. "You can just buy a new door, 'K?" I guess SHE hasn't noticed that her little pal is going to hell as she exists now and doesn't seem to have any compunction about dragging her friends down with her.
The foster parents don't even know where FCG is, I'll bet. I've met the people. I believe they are in it for the checks and not because they want to help. Of course, we are talking about a system where a white teenage girl was placed with old Black people. Nothing racist here, but they have ZERO clue about what to do with this kid, so they are letting her roam the streets much the same as her real parents did.
SHE doesn't call by 6 PM, at 6:01, I call the cops to pick her up. Maybe not, but you know... The urgency of this...this problem is always poking me in the back to make good my threats to do so.
12 June 2009
I am SO tired of this
SHE has decided not to come home again tonight. No meds (which I KNOW she is skipping when she goes to her friends' homes overnight), no change of clothes, other people's stuff... I am seriously contemplating going over to the place she says she is going to be and drag her out. But what good would it do? Do I tell every single parent of every one of her friends that my kid has mental disorders and *might* be dangerous?
I changed the passwords again on her MySpace accounts because I am tired of this. I am about to lock her phone again so the only texts/calls she can get would be from me.
I am so sick of her talking to me like I am a freakin' menial. I am also sick of her thinking that SHE is in charge of everything. I am sick of trying to deal with ten different people with the same face.
I got six of them today and, at times, it seemed like they were coming at me as if on a merry-go-round--one after the other in a rapid circle. I at least got Abby for a little while. For a few brief moments, I had my sweet little girl who loves me and respects me. Then Beast took over and that was it. Cussing me out, calling me names, hanging up the phone non-stop...
This may be the breaking point that decides the trip to the hospital. Only--I can't reach a single doctor on the weekend to pre-cert the stay. It will involve both insurances, so that is going to be a big problem. Insurance A will allow the psychologist to cert, but not Insurance B--it requires the psychiatrist to do the papers. Trying to get the latter to do paperwork is like pulling freaking hens' teeth. Trying to REACH him is like looking for hens' teeth in the first place. That is what is holding up the IEP at the school and many other things--the shrink is never around to sign forms.
The other day, when SHE wandered off, she swears some guy tried to get her in his car. SHE got away that time, but what about the next? SHE thinks I would be happy to see her gone, but that is so far from the truth. I just want her to be stable enough to function fully in society and not on the fringes, which is kind of where she is now. Unfortunately, many of her friends are just as mental as she is and so that fringe life DOES look "normal" to her.
I am so tempted to take any job offered me to get her out of this place before she ends up on 4th Street with someone beating her up for not making her quota... That is what happened to someone I know who was just like my child and it scares the death out of me.
As for my health--I went to work sick because I can't just wonder off at random like some people. I have to make sure there is a roof over our heads, food in the bowls and sanitary facilities. That last is a joke because Danya throws everything on the floor, being too good to deal with trash cans. That is what the maid (me) is for. I hate Danya.
My work IS being affected because SHE calls me non-stop from the time she wakes up and picks fights with me. She wants me to take her all over town on my 30-minute lunch period, come home to open a can of vegetables or to tell her where SHE lost one of her things in the trash heaps SHE has created. I have just about given up keeping the house presentable because Beast will throw things all over the place to find an eyeliner. God forbid any of the crew puts anything back in its proper place (though Abby may occasionally hang up a towel).
The latest favorite thing of the Beast is to hit or kick my breasts because someone told her that doing so would cause cancer. I have already had problems with cysts and lesions, so I guess that one will get her wish re causing more problems. Thing is, none of them have figured out that killing me means SHE will be institutionalized as no one in the family wants to deal with any of her issues.
I changed the passwords again on her MySpace accounts because I am tired of this. I am about to lock her phone again so the only texts/calls she can get would be from me.
I am so sick of her talking to me like I am a freakin' menial. I am also sick of her thinking that SHE is in charge of everything. I am sick of trying to deal with ten different people with the same face.
I got six of them today and, at times, it seemed like they were coming at me as if on a merry-go-round--one after the other in a rapid circle. I at least got Abby for a little while. For a few brief moments, I had my sweet little girl who loves me and respects me. Then Beast took over and that was it. Cussing me out, calling me names, hanging up the phone non-stop...
This may be the breaking point that decides the trip to the hospital. Only--I can't reach a single doctor on the weekend to pre-cert the stay. It will involve both insurances, so that is going to be a big problem. Insurance A will allow the psychologist to cert, but not Insurance B--it requires the psychiatrist to do the papers. Trying to get the latter to do paperwork is like pulling freaking hens' teeth. Trying to REACH him is like looking for hens' teeth in the first place. That is what is holding up the IEP at the school and many other things--the shrink is never around to sign forms.
The other day, when SHE wandered off, she swears some guy tried to get her in his car. SHE got away that time, but what about the next? SHE thinks I would be happy to see her gone, but that is so far from the truth. I just want her to be stable enough to function fully in society and not on the fringes, which is kind of where she is now. Unfortunately, many of her friends are just as mental as she is and so that fringe life DOES look "normal" to her.
I am so tempted to take any job offered me to get her out of this place before she ends up on 4th Street with someone beating her up for not making her quota... That is what happened to someone I know who was just like my child and it scares the death out of me.
As for my health--I went to work sick because I can't just wonder off at random like some people. I have to make sure there is a roof over our heads, food in the bowls and sanitary facilities. That last is a joke because Danya throws everything on the floor, being too good to deal with trash cans. That is what the maid (me) is for. I hate Danya.
My work IS being affected because SHE calls me non-stop from the time she wakes up and picks fights with me. She wants me to take her all over town on my 30-minute lunch period, come home to open a can of vegetables or to tell her where SHE lost one of her things in the trash heaps SHE has created. I have just about given up keeping the house presentable because Beast will throw things all over the place to find an eyeliner. God forbid any of the crew puts anything back in its proper place (though Abby may occasionally hang up a towel).
The latest favorite thing of the Beast is to hit or kick my breasts because someone told her that doing so would cause cancer. I have already had problems with cysts and lesions, so I guess that one will get her wish re causing more problems. Thing is, none of them have figured out that killing me means SHE will be institutionalized as no one in the family wants to deal with any of her issues.
11 June 2009
This has got to stop!!
Just about every night this week, SHE has wandered off to someone's house to stay the night. I do not know what she is looking for at those other places, but she is not finding it. Two days this week she has skipped her meds (claiming to have forgotten), each time resulting in the Beast waking up.
We came to blows Monday night because she lost her mind over a misunderstood request about t-shirt designs. SHE swung a wooden craft box at me and (sad to say) I hit her near her eye. SHE then tried to scratch my right eye out. I have a slight tear on the cornea and have been seeing fuzzy all week. But that matters not to her. It is all good if it hurts ME.
To make matters worse, her BFF's mother is very New Age and is trying to "help" her with meditation and crystals. This woman means well, but she does not "get" that what SHE has is different than what the BBF's sister has. I am tired of having to constantly explain to people that they cannot indulge my daughter's outrageous antics or encourage her to express her feelings the way SHE wants to. That only results in a display of verbal sewage worthy of the Diceman.
It makes it so hard to talk about the good things she has achieved these last few weeks. SHE managed to squeak by with a D in English, so she does get to go to the 8th grade if she takes Math in summer school. It won't happen because she won't stay around the house to go. She's also picked up a new art skill--making resin jewelry. Expensive hobby for me to deal with, but she is doing something besides playing on MySpace, eating or wandering the streets.
In fact, her street wandering almost got her in a lot of trouble. SHE claims someone saw her wandering around when she locked herself out of the house and tried to convince her to get in his car. The story she tells is that, when he went to reach for her, she grabbed her hairspray out of her tote bag and sprayed him in the eyes, then ran. No description of guy or car, of course. IF it happened, good for her for having quick reflexes. But that should have told her that people are NOT nice and they DO try to snatch up girls even in broad daylight. Nope. She is at her friend's house again and she plans to walk home by herself in the morning when she wakes up. I really am afraid I will get a call to come ID her body one day soon because SHE thinks she is invincible when Beast and Danya take over.
We came to blows Monday night because she lost her mind over a misunderstood request about t-shirt designs. SHE swung a wooden craft box at me and (sad to say) I hit her near her eye. SHE then tried to scratch my right eye out. I have a slight tear on the cornea and have been seeing fuzzy all week. But that matters not to her. It is all good if it hurts ME.
To make matters worse, her BFF's mother is very New Age and is trying to "help" her with meditation and crystals. This woman means well, but she does not "get" that what SHE has is different than what the BBF's sister has. I am tired of having to constantly explain to people that they cannot indulge my daughter's outrageous antics or encourage her to express her feelings the way SHE wants to. That only results in a display of verbal sewage worthy of the Diceman.
It makes it so hard to talk about the good things she has achieved these last few weeks. SHE managed to squeak by with a D in English, so she does get to go to the 8th grade if she takes Math in summer school. It won't happen because she won't stay around the house to go. She's also picked up a new art skill--making resin jewelry. Expensive hobby for me to deal with, but she is doing something besides playing on MySpace, eating or wandering the streets.
In fact, her street wandering almost got her in a lot of trouble. SHE claims someone saw her wandering around when she locked herself out of the house and tried to convince her to get in his car. The story she tells is that, when he went to reach for her, she grabbed her hairspray out of her tote bag and sprayed him in the eyes, then ran. No description of guy or car, of course. IF it happened, good for her for having quick reflexes. But that should have told her that people are NOT nice and they DO try to snatch up girls even in broad daylight. Nope. She is at her friend's house again and she plans to walk home by herself in the morning when she wakes up. I really am afraid I will get a call to come ID her body one day soon because SHE thinks she is invincible when Beast and Danya take over.
18 May 2009
OMFG!!!
This is insane. She has disappeared to some random kid's house and refuses to answer the phone. This random kid is in the background, encouraging her to be rude and hang up. Who the hell names their daughter "Sinister"? This is the kind of people my mentally ill child thinks are fine to be around instead of kids that go to school, do their homework and otherwise at least try to achieve normalcy.
This is the week I call the hospital, I think. I wanted her to get through the school year (at least passing English so she can go to the 8th grade) and maybe making a good impression with some auditions at the showcase later this month. But it isn't going to happen and I am a fool for ever hoping for anything wonderful to come out of her life.
One thing is quite sure--there will NOT be any puppies brought into this house because I fear for the life of any small creatures she comes in contact with. Not even the semi-wild kittens under the house would be safe. I would almost consider sleeping armed, but I know that is just silly.
This is the week I call the hospital, I think. I wanted her to get through the school year (at least passing English so she can go to the 8th grade) and maybe making a good impression with some auditions at the showcase later this month. But it isn't going to happen and I am a fool for ever hoping for anything wonderful to come out of her life.
One thing is quite sure--there will NOT be any puppies brought into this house because I fear for the life of any small creatures she comes in contact with. Not even the semi-wild kittens under the house would be safe. I would almost consider sleeping armed, but I know that is just silly.
17 May 2009
Another banner week
Hair from rainbow to blond to dookie brown/yellow to black...
Several fights, culminating in a physical altercation yesterday... She got pissed because I wouldn't buy any more hair dye for her (or her "friend" who she claimed promised to pay her back). This resulted in her throwing a fit in the middle of a beauty supply store (where I foolishly stopped to get her a specialty comb--I lost her other one by accident at a park). Even one of the clerks came up and told her to shut up and stop calling me names and slapping at me.
By the time we got home, she had gone into full "Beast" mode, dragging all the junk she had in the living room back into her room and swearing she wanted to stay in there forever. When I started restricting her phone, unplugging the house phone, changing her computer passwords, etc. she came out and trashed my work equipment. Then she went after other things of mine. At that point, I tried to restrain her and she bit me. I tackled her and got her on the ground to stop further damage to either property or person. Unfortunately, she scraped her knee pretty badly and that started another round of yelling and her trying to attack me.
I tried to help her clean the scrape and bandage it, which resulted in her screaming that I can't touch her, that I am abusive and that she wants me to die immediately. This at the same time she keeps saying she has decided she must die at exactly the moment she turns 15. I wonder if the new meds are a factor in this? The Beast does not come out as often on the new stuff, but the appearance and actions when it does is more intense and scary.
I finally just left her to stew in her room until she came out and made the first non-combative (albeit rude as hell) overture. She asked me to type in the passwords for her and then asked for dinner. By the time dinner was ready, "Ella" was visiting and we spent the evening together watching TV and then a movie.
The night before this, she insisted on inviting her latest BFF to come along to a therapy visit--where she immediately started calling me names and insisting I was lying because I am not clearing all my finances with her. Her schit is costing me a lot and, while I do like to get her things when all the bills are paid, she does not want to wait. She is a master of the stealth purchase, sneaking items onto the conveyor belt at the last minute and then creating a scene when I catch her. But I am the liar because I tell her we cannot afford something if I make a purchase that SHE has not approved. Then she went on and on about how I am lying when I tell her I am sick because I still go to work no matter what--this because she wants to stay home from school for the slightest ache. Then, in the middle of the session, she got up and went out to the waiting area to tell her BFF that I was lying to the doctor about her and was trying to get her put away right that moment. Luckily, BFF's sister has similar issues and the poor girl knew that the BS is part of the condition.
Sad thing is--the first thing I told the therapist was how proud I was because she went to school THREE days this past week.
Ten minutes after the session, we were at the park and Beast was gone, replaced by "Kristie". The rest of the evening went OK. Yesterday before the meltdown was OK. She had an acting class which, by all accounts, went fine (other than her agent having a fit over the black hair, Emo makeup and her not being in ballet anymore). Again, reasonably long stretchs for her... If I can get three or four hours in a row, I consider that a long time.
I am not sure who is going to wake up first this morning, though.
Several fights, culminating in a physical altercation yesterday... She got pissed because I wouldn't buy any more hair dye for her (or her "friend" who she claimed promised to pay her back). This resulted in her throwing a fit in the middle of a beauty supply store (where I foolishly stopped to get her a specialty comb--I lost her other one by accident at a park). Even one of the clerks came up and told her to shut up and stop calling me names and slapping at me.
By the time we got home, she had gone into full "Beast" mode, dragging all the junk she had in the living room back into her room and swearing she wanted to stay in there forever. When I started restricting her phone, unplugging the house phone, changing her computer passwords, etc. she came out and trashed my work equipment. Then she went after other things of mine. At that point, I tried to restrain her and she bit me. I tackled her and got her on the ground to stop further damage to either property or person. Unfortunately, she scraped her knee pretty badly and that started another round of yelling and her trying to attack me.
I tried to help her clean the scrape and bandage it, which resulted in her screaming that I can't touch her, that I am abusive and that she wants me to die immediately. This at the same time she keeps saying she has decided she must die at exactly the moment she turns 15. I wonder if the new meds are a factor in this? The Beast does not come out as often on the new stuff, but the appearance and actions when it does is more intense and scary.
I finally just left her to stew in her room until she came out and made the first non-combative (albeit rude as hell) overture. She asked me to type in the passwords for her and then asked for dinner. By the time dinner was ready, "Ella" was visiting and we spent the evening together watching TV and then a movie.
The night before this, she insisted on inviting her latest BFF to come along to a therapy visit--where she immediately started calling me names and insisting I was lying because I am not clearing all my finances with her. Her schit is costing me a lot and, while I do like to get her things when all the bills are paid, she does not want to wait. She is a master of the stealth purchase, sneaking items onto the conveyor belt at the last minute and then creating a scene when I catch her. But I am the liar because I tell her we cannot afford something if I make a purchase that SHE has not approved. Then she went on and on about how I am lying when I tell her I am sick because I still go to work no matter what--this because she wants to stay home from school for the slightest ache. Then, in the middle of the session, she got up and went out to the waiting area to tell her BFF that I was lying to the doctor about her and was trying to get her put away right that moment. Luckily, BFF's sister has similar issues and the poor girl knew that the BS is part of the condition.
Sad thing is--the first thing I told the therapist was how proud I was because she went to school THREE days this past week.
Ten minutes after the session, we were at the park and Beast was gone, replaced by "Kristie". The rest of the evening went OK. Yesterday before the meltdown was OK. She had an acting class which, by all accounts, went fine (other than her agent having a fit over the black hair, Emo makeup and her not being in ballet anymore). Again, reasonably long stretchs for her... If I can get three or four hours in a row, I consider that a long time.
I am not sure who is going to wake up first this morning, though.
07 May 2009
Never say things are OK
No more ballet. She got kicked out for refusing to going to class although we were already there. The owner of the studio told her if she didn't go in, she was done. Well, never offer this one an ultimatum because she will call your bluff. It sucks because she is really good, the teacher loved her when she behaved because she IS so good--but, again, it has to do with that one nasty person in her head that tells her she doesn't have to behave like regular people. I have met that girl and she is a beotch.
Still fighting over meds. Still fighting over hair. Still fighting over clothing--she keeps cutting things up and not just the cheap things. Then she wants me to replace what she ruined.
She keeps inviting herself over to people's houses to spend the night. That is where she is tonight. She goes out and then will not come home, getting her latest hanger-on to let her stay over. Half the time, I don't even get to talk to a parent. But tell her no and she will run...
Tonight's friend is pierced within an inch of her life and is supposedly in the 8th grade. I am terrified that she might come home tomorrow with as many piercings as the misfit she is hanging out with. She swears she wouldn't do that, but she is not always the one in charge of herself.
Why is she SO freakin' easily led? You would not think that with the bi-polar situation, but maybe it is the OCD or something. Maybe the ODD?
Sad thing is that yesterday, she was hanging all over me like she was four years old. I miss the four year old.
Still fighting over meds. Still fighting over hair. Still fighting over clothing--she keeps cutting things up and not just the cheap things. Then she wants me to replace what she ruined.
She keeps inviting herself over to people's houses to spend the night. That is where she is tonight. She goes out and then will not come home, getting her latest hanger-on to let her stay over. Half the time, I don't even get to talk to a parent. But tell her no and she will run...
Tonight's friend is pierced within an inch of her life and is supposedly in the 8th grade. I am terrified that she might come home tomorrow with as many piercings as the misfit she is hanging out with. She swears she wouldn't do that, but she is not always the one in charge of herself.
Why is she SO freakin' easily led? You would not think that with the bi-polar situation, but maybe it is the OCD or something. Maybe the ODD?
Sad thing is that yesterday, she was hanging all over me like she was four years old. I miss the four year old.
30 April 2009
Another day, another heartache
Well, one doctor finally put the word to paper re a diagnosis. Bi-polar it is, along with a healthy dose of ADHD, OCD and ODD. The other doctor wants to keep saying it is just the ODD and bad behavior choices.
OK.
So tell me--if she is bi-polar, then would that not in fact influence her behavior?
The adjustment on the one medication kind of helped, but not much. She is still a terror and still cannot connect her actions to how they are affecting the world around her. People shun her. She said that the class booed when she showed up one day last week because they "didn't like the drama" that she brings with her. One teacher just sits her in a corner and ignores her--oh, except to give her failing grades for not participating in class, although the teacher has previously FORBIDDEN her to participate.
We had a meeting at the school to maybe finally get her the extra help she needs to get by in school. But the kicker is that it can take up to six freakin' months for all the paperwork to get through the system. So, if they had done the paperwork at the beginning of the school year like I had been begging them to... Well, then maybe she would not have flunked this year (and yes, she has. School may not be out for another six weeks, but she does NOT have the credits in the required classes to move up.)
By then, we may have moved because my career still has to move on. Then it means starting all over. Home schooling would not help because she will not do her work when left to her own devices.
I can at least cheer that she will make it to school TWO days this week if she goes tomorrow. But she will have to, because she is spending the night with a friend who WILL be going and the mom is not going to let her hang out there. Two days this week, two days last week--she's setting a record! Now if she would do the work, too.
OK.
So tell me--if she is bi-polar, then would that not in fact influence her behavior?
The adjustment on the one medication kind of helped, but not much. She is still a terror and still cannot connect her actions to how they are affecting the world around her. People shun her. She said that the class booed when she showed up one day last week because they "didn't like the drama" that she brings with her. One teacher just sits her in a corner and ignores her--oh, except to give her failing grades for not participating in class, although the teacher has previously FORBIDDEN her to participate.
We had a meeting at the school to maybe finally get her the extra help she needs to get by in school. But the kicker is that it can take up to six freakin' months for all the paperwork to get through the system. So, if they had done the paperwork at the beginning of the school year like I had been begging them to... Well, then maybe she would not have flunked this year (and yes, she has. School may not be out for another six weeks, but she does NOT have the credits in the required classes to move up.)
By then, we may have moved because my career still has to move on. Then it means starting all over. Home schooling would not help because she will not do her work when left to her own devices.
I can at least cheer that she will make it to school TWO days this week if she goes tomorrow. But she will have to, because she is spending the night with a friend who WILL be going and the mom is not going to let her hang out there. Two days this week, two days last week--she's setting a record! Now if she would do the work, too.
11 April 2009
A (Mostly) Good Week
The meds adjustment seems to be working so far. I am happy that the clonidine is letting her get a full night's sleep. The circles under her eyes are mostly gone, as is the bruising from the drain on her system.
The mouth is still foul and there is still a definite lack of personal responsibility. It is NEVER her fault and I am ALWAYS the villain. The narcissism is still in full force, as is the "I'm omnipotent!" attitude.
The biggest fight this week is (again) money:
She accuses me all the time of lying when I tell her the bills have to be paid first before we spend money for "fun"--"You just don't want to spend money on ME!!" So I am always fighting a battle with a CHILD over going to the mall to buy random crap she doesn't need so she will feel "loved". We all know that getting a truckload of money spent on us is the ONLY way that love can be proven, right?
Spring break is almost over, none of what I hoped we'd accomplish got done and she is already making noises about not wanting to go back to school just yet. On the other hand, she missed the Spring dance and a cool field trip with her friends, so that might be incentive to go anyway. It is almost an exercise in futility because she has already flunked this year. I cannot afford summer school, so she is going to have to repeat it and fall further behind. She already lost her work permit, so no chances of getting any acting work, either.
She had her new portfolio pictures taken last week anyway (just in case). I look at that heartbreakingly gorgeous face, her wonderful looks in general and the way she shines in front of a camera and I cannot help but wonder who I am looking at in that moment. And, yes--there IS more than one person in there. More on that another time...
I managed to save ballet for at least this year. She (mostly) behaved herself in the last class just before spring break, showed that she could learn the choreography properly and didn't pout. So she gets another chance. Hopefully, she won't screw it up.
Yet, no matter what I do behind the scenes to try to help her, I am still the meanie. I feel like this
most of the time.
The mouth is still foul and there is still a definite lack of personal responsibility. It is NEVER her fault and I am ALWAYS the villain. The narcissism is still in full force, as is the "I'm omnipotent!" attitude.
The biggest fight this week is (again) money:She accuses me all the time of lying when I tell her the bills have to be paid first before we spend money for "fun"--"You just don't want to spend money on ME!!" So I am always fighting a battle with a CHILD over going to the mall to buy random crap she doesn't need so she will feel "loved". We all know that getting a truckload of money spent on us is the ONLY way that love can be proven, right?
Spring break is almost over, none of what I hoped we'd accomplish got done and she is already making noises about not wanting to go back to school just yet. On the other hand, she missed the Spring dance and a cool field trip with her friends, so that might be incentive to go anyway. It is almost an exercise in futility because she has already flunked this year. I cannot afford summer school, so she is going to have to repeat it and fall further behind. She already lost her work permit, so no chances of getting any acting work, either.
She had her new portfolio pictures taken last week anyway (just in case). I look at that heartbreakingly gorgeous face, her wonderful looks in general and the way she shines in front of a camera and I cannot help but wonder who I am looking at in that moment. And, yes--there IS more than one person in there. More on that another time...
I managed to save ballet for at least this year. She (mostly) behaved herself in the last class just before spring break, showed that she could learn the choreography properly and didn't pout. So she gets another chance. Hopefully, she won't screw it up.
Yet, no matter what I do behind the scenes to try to help her, I am still the meanie. I feel like this
most of the time.
04 April 2009
An introduction
I am a parent.
I am a parent of a child who was born with a multitude of mental illnesses: ADHD, ODD, PBPD, Personality Dissociative Disorder, and maybe even Asperberger's Syndrome.
As that parent, I am constantly in a battle with the monsters I cannot see, but they are all around me. I never know what to expect from day to day when my child wakes up. I don't know if I am getting a sunshiny, ready for a new day angel or the demon from Hell, ready to destroy all in her path.
I have been cursed constantly by her, attacked physically and mentally. The child has tried to choke me, stab me, wreck the car while we are driving at like 50 mph... Yet her doctors keep telling me to work with her. Fine, but they are not the ones being sucked dry and slowly dying from the drain on all one's resources.
I used to be young once. I was a beautiful woman, thin and poised. Now I eat too much junk food because my child will not eat at normal times or normal places or normal foods. She's afraid of most regular food and trusts that someplace like McDonald's will always provide the same food at the same quality every time (she obviously has NOT been in the kitchens of some of those places....). She will not eat in a restaurant anymore because she thinks everyone is watching her mouth as she eats and so is afraid they are judging her chewing skills.
She does not sleep until she experiences complete exhaustion. That sometimes means that at 3:00 in the morning, she is still slamming around the house. Of course, if she is awake, that means I must stay awake with her. As a consequence, she will come and hit me until I wake up so I can get her a drink or make her something to eat. If she were three or four, that would not be so bad. But she is a teenager and knows perfectly well how to pour a soda or microwave something!!!!
The worst thing is that she is smart, talented, creative and has the potential to be someone the world will come to know and respect. Tell her that and she will sabotage the hell out of whatever fantastic thing she just did. Tell her she has the makings of a great dancer, she will piss off the teacher by playing around in class and refusing to follow the choreography. Compliment her on her clothing designs, she will either scribble all over them or rip them up as being "suckish". Give her an award for any painting or drawing she does, she will tell you everything she did wrong. Same with doing a play or singing or any other thing she does. Because she is smart, the teachers expect her to at least do minimally well. Her response is to refuse to do any work at all. Getting her to go to school at all is becoming an exercise in futility.
The school knows of her ailments, but I can still end up in trouble because she will not conform, stay put or even show up. All about following some rules, but not others... It is affecting my ability to get through a day of work because of all the phone calls I get from the school when she is there.
It sucks to be her with all those issues, but it sucks to be me having to deal with her issues and still maintain some semblance of normality (whatever that is these days).
I deal with the horrors all the time, but there is going to come a time when something has to give. It will likely end with me calling the local resident care mental health facility and telling them to come get her. One doctor says I should let her go off the deep end finally, call the cops and let them admit her for observation. It's fast becoming a possible plan of action.
I don't hate her, but I damn sure don't like being around her most of the time because she is indeed killing me from the inside out. That is, if she doesn't succeed in killing me the next time she goes off the deep end.
I am a parent of a child who was born with a multitude of mental illnesses: ADHD, ODD, PBPD, Personality Dissociative Disorder, and maybe even Asperberger's Syndrome.
As that parent, I am constantly in a battle with the monsters I cannot see, but they are all around me. I never know what to expect from day to day when my child wakes up. I don't know if I am getting a sunshiny, ready for a new day angel or the demon from Hell, ready to destroy all in her path.
I have been cursed constantly by her, attacked physically and mentally. The child has tried to choke me, stab me, wreck the car while we are driving at like 50 mph... Yet her doctors keep telling me to work with her. Fine, but they are not the ones being sucked dry and slowly dying from the drain on all one's resources.
I used to be young once. I was a beautiful woman, thin and poised. Now I eat too much junk food because my child will not eat at normal times or normal places or normal foods. She's afraid of most regular food and trusts that someplace like McDonald's will always provide the same food at the same quality every time (she obviously has NOT been in the kitchens of some of those places....). She will not eat in a restaurant anymore because she thinks everyone is watching her mouth as she eats and so is afraid they are judging her chewing skills.
She does not sleep until she experiences complete exhaustion. That sometimes means that at 3:00 in the morning, she is still slamming around the house. Of course, if she is awake, that means I must stay awake with her. As a consequence, she will come and hit me until I wake up so I can get her a drink or make her something to eat. If she were three or four, that would not be so bad. But she is a teenager and knows perfectly well how to pour a soda or microwave something!!!!
The worst thing is that she is smart, talented, creative and has the potential to be someone the world will come to know and respect. Tell her that and she will sabotage the hell out of whatever fantastic thing she just did. Tell her she has the makings of a great dancer, she will piss off the teacher by playing around in class and refusing to follow the choreography. Compliment her on her clothing designs, she will either scribble all over them or rip them up as being "suckish". Give her an award for any painting or drawing she does, she will tell you everything she did wrong. Same with doing a play or singing or any other thing she does. Because she is smart, the teachers expect her to at least do minimally well. Her response is to refuse to do any work at all. Getting her to go to school at all is becoming an exercise in futility.
The school knows of her ailments, but I can still end up in trouble because she will not conform, stay put or even show up. All about following some rules, but not others... It is affecting my ability to get through a day of work because of all the phone calls I get from the school when she is there.
It sucks to be her with all those issues, but it sucks to be me having to deal with her issues and still maintain some semblance of normality (whatever that is these days).
I deal with the horrors all the time, but there is going to come a time when something has to give. It will likely end with me calling the local resident care mental health facility and telling them to come get her. One doctor says I should let her go off the deep end finally, call the cops and let them admit her for observation. It's fast becoming a possible plan of action.
I don't hate her, but I damn sure don't like being around her most of the time because she is indeed killing me from the inside out. That is, if she doesn't succeed in killing me the next time she goes off the deep end.
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