Another day, another heartache

Well, one doctor finally put the word to paper re a diagnosis. Bi-polar it is, along with a healthy dose of ADHD, OCD and ODD. The other doctor wants to keep saying it is just the ODD and bad behavior choices.

OK.

So tell me--if she is bi-polar, then would that not in fact influence her behavior?

The adjustment on the one medication kind of helped, but not much. She is still a terror and still cannot connect her actions to how they are affecting the world around her. People shun her. She said that the class booed when she showed up one day last week because they "didn't like the drama" that she brings with her. One teacher just sits her in a corner and ignores her--oh, except to give her failing grades for not participating in class, although the teacher has previously FORBIDDEN her to participate.

We had a meeting at the school to maybe finally get her the extra help she needs to get by in school. But the kicker is that it can take up to six freakin' months for all the paperwork to get through the system. So, if they had done the paperwork at the beginning of the school year like I had been begging them to... Well, then maybe she would not have flunked this year (and yes, she has. School may not be out for another six weeks, but she does NOT have the credits in the required classes to move up.)

By then, we may have moved because my career still has to move on. Then it means starting all over. Home schooling would not help because she will not do her work when left to her own devices.

I can at least cheer that she will make it to school TWO days this week if she goes tomorrow. But she will have to, because she is spending the night with a friend who WILL be going and the mom is not going to let her hang out there. Two days this week, two days last week--she's setting a record! Now if she would do the work, too.

A (Mostly) Good Week

The meds adjustment seems to be working so far. I am happy that the clonidine is letting her get a full night's sleep. The circles under her eyes are mostly gone, as is the bruising from the drain on her system.

The mouth is still foul and there is still a definite lack of personal responsibility. It is NEVER her fault and I am ALWAYS the villain. The narcissism is still in full force, as is the "I'm omnipotent!" attitude.

The biggest fight this week is (again) money:

She accuses me all the time of lying when I tell her the bills have to be paid first before we spend money for "fun"--"You just don't want to spend money on ME!!" So I am always fighting a battle with a CHILD over going to the mall to buy random crap she doesn't need so she will feel "loved". We all know that getting a truckload of money spent on us is the ONLY way that love can be proven, right?

Spring break is almost over, none of what I hoped we'd accomplish got done and she is already making noises about not wanting to go back to school just yet. On the other hand, she missed the Spring dance and a cool field trip with her friends, so that might be incentive to go anyway. It is almost an exercise in futility because she has already flunked this year. I cannot afford summer school, so she is going to have to repeat it and fall further behind. She already lost her work permit, so no chances of getting any acting work, either.

She had her new portfolio pictures taken last week anyway (just in case). I look at that heartbreakingly gorgeous face, her wonderful looks in general and the way she shines in front of a camera and I cannot help but wonder who I am looking at in that moment. And, yes--there IS more than one person in there. More on that another time...

I managed to save ballet for at least this year. She (mostly) behaved herself in the last class just before spring break, showed that she could learn the choreography properly and didn't pout. So she gets another chance. Hopefully, she won't screw it up.

Yet, no matter what I do behind the scenes to try to help her, I am still the meanie. I feel like this most of the time.

An introduction

I am a parent.

I am a parent of a child who was born with a multitude of mental illnesses: ADHD, ODD, PBPD, Personality Dissociative Disorder, and maybe even Asperberger's Syndrome.

As that parent, I am constantly in a battle with the monsters I cannot see, but they are all around me. I never know what to expect from day to day when my child wakes up. I don't know if I am getting a sunshiny, ready for a new day angel or the demon from Hell, ready to destroy all in her path.

I have been cursed constantly by her, attacked physically and mentally. The child has tried to choke me, stab me, wreck the car while we are driving at like 50 mph... Yet her doctors keep telling me to work with her. Fine, but they are not the ones being sucked dry and slowly dying from the drain on all one's resources.

I used to be young once. I was a beautiful woman, thin and poised. Now I eat too much junk food because my child will not eat at normal times or normal places or normal foods. She's afraid of most regular food and trusts that someplace like McDonald's will always provide the same food at the same quality every time (she obviously has NOT been in the kitchens of some of those places....). She will not eat in a restaurant anymore because she thinks everyone is watching her mouth as she eats and so is afraid they are judging her chewing skills.

She does not sleep until she experiences complete exhaustion. That sometimes means that at 3:00 in the morning, she is still slamming around the house. Of course, if she is awake, that means I must stay awake with her. As a consequence, she will come and hit me until I wake up so I can get her a drink or make her something to eat. If she were three or four, that would not be so bad. But she is a teenager and knows perfectly well how to pour a soda or microwave something!!!!

The worst thing is that she is smart, talented, creative and has the potential to be someone the world will come to know and respect. Tell her that and she will sabotage the hell out of whatever fantastic thing she just did. Tell her she has the makings of a great dancer, she will piss off the teacher by playing around in class and refusing to follow the choreography. Compliment her on her clothing designs, she will either scribble all over them or rip them up as being "suckish". Give her an award for any painting or drawing she does, she will tell you everything she did wrong. Same with doing a play or singing or any other thing she does. Because she is smart, the teachers expect her to at least do minimally well. Her response is to refuse to do any work at all. Getting her to go to school at all is becoming an exercise in futility.

The school knows of her ailments, but I can still end up in trouble because she will not conform, stay put or even show up. All about following some rules, but not others... It is affecting my ability to get through a day of work because of all the phone calls I get from the school when she is there.

It sucks to be her with all those issues, but it sucks to be me having to deal with her issues and still maintain some semblance of normality (whatever that is these days).

I deal with the horrors all the time, but there is going to come a time when something has to give. It will likely end with me calling the local resident care mental health facility and telling them to come get her. One doctor says I should let her go off the deep end finally, call the cops and let them admit her for observation. It's fast becoming a possible plan of action.

I don't hate her, but I damn sure don't like being around her most of the time because she is indeed killing me from the inside out. That is, if she doesn't succeed in killing me the next time she goes off the deep end.