I am so tired, part whatever

This has been another banner week for the monsters, for sure...

For the past two weeks, I have had to put in some overnight shifts and then try to sleep during the day. SHE thought it was funny to keep bothering me every afternoon while I attempted to nap--demanding food, drinks or for me to take her to the store to spend money we do not have for frivolities. I maybe got 20 hours over ten days, so I was worn out before all this happened.

HER latest shockwave started over the hair again. SHE has to go back to her original blond and leave it alone so her scalp can heal from all the crap. Since the beginning of the year, there have been more chemicals dumped on her head than I have had in my entire life and that stuff is now damaging her actual scalp. SHE has freaking BALD spots that are completely hairless because I think she killed the follicles.

Now, foolishly, I agreed to a light treatment of pink and green--IF she got back to her blond first. But--she was not to do it till yesterday after an appointment she had. I agreed to the blond lightening only for Thursday night. SHE decided to do it without me and didn't leave the lightener on long enough, which left her hair with an orange tint. Instead of waiting 24 hours to redo the lightener, SHE immediately put the pink and green in. On top of the orange, those colors came out looking like shades of poop. Well, SHE didn't want to go to school looking like that, so she dumped a jar of Manic Panic black all over her head (and down her face, shoulders and onto her body), the bathroom, the towels AND my laundry basket. All the while, her BFF was egging her on via the phone.

When I saw the results, I exploded. I was pissed beyond belief that SHE would do that kind of damage knowing the condition her hair was already in. I wanted to kill her right then and there.

I told her to get off the phone and she refused, running all over the house with it and telling that stupid BFF of hers that I was "hurting" her when ALL I was doing was yelling about the stupidity of her actions. Did I want to beat her? I am not going to lie and say no. Yes--I wanted to spank her and lock her in her room for about an decade at that moment. If you ever heard HER at her Beast-ish worst, you would want to as well out of sheer frustration.

But a new personality mesh has occured: The Beast and Danya have created an alliance that SHE gave a name to--Salome. I have discovered that when a new personality comes out, SHE starts telling everyone that is what she wants to change her name to. So what I was dealing with was actually Salome: all the brute force of The Beast with the pure meaness of Danya.

Anyway, Salome kept on and on about how much she hated me and how evil I am, all the time hitting me and calling me every name in the book. Meanwhile, she would NOT hang up the phone. BFF would not hang up the phone, telling HER that if her mom heard how I talked to HER, the mom would come and "rescue" her from me. This from a family where the second oldest son talks to the mom the same way Danya talks to me and they refuse to make him move out of the house. "Do as I say, not as I do" seems to be the motto over there.

SHE has never gotten her mind wrapped around the fact that people do not air their business in front of guests and so she does not see the drama when it is just family. Yet, SHE insists on broadcasting all of our business through whatever warped filter she uses to make herself look a hero. I am absolutely appalled at some of the boldfaced lies she tells people about what goes on when it is just us.

SHE does not tell them she considers me her servant and never asks for anything--it is always a demand. She tosses her crap all over the floor and then, when she can't find something, accuses me of moving it so she can't find it. Then she tells all her friends I hide/steal her stuff on purpose. There is NEVER an acknowledgement of her own culpibility in the misplacements. It is ALWAYS my fault.

But back to the hair incident...

On top of the damage from the dye, SHE wears these ratty clip-on extensions. With very little hair to hide the tracks and hold the weight, they are dangerous to what hair is left. Yet SHE wears them and thinks no one notices. Well, with the black highlighting the bald areas, it is not hard to see the fakes at all. I asked her to at least lay off the extensions for a few days. That was followed by another assault by Salome. So she went to summer school looking like a cancer patient.

Friday night, after being told NO several times concerning putting cheetah spots over the black, she found some bleach and did it anyway. Ugly enough... BUT then she went back an hour later to the mixture which she had capped and it exploded all over her face, including into her eyes. Would you believe Salome said it was my fault for that, as well? Again, BFF on the phone encouraging her to do the stupid $h!t!!! I tried to help her with the cleaning up and flushing her eyes, but she again started screaming I was hurting her on purpose. OMFG!!! I was trying to keep her from going blind and she's telling people I am hurting her!

It didn't get any better yesterday. Even though BFF knew I had planned to take HER to see the new "Harry Potter" movie today, she invited HER to go with her family yesterday. Of course, she accepted knowing how much it would hurt my feelings. Except, according to her, I have no feelings at all except anger because I will not cry in front of her. Why would I? That would only give her more ammo. I let her go, but made sure BFF's mother knew I was not happy. I also made sure I sprung the little sleepover plan on her because they lied about her knowing before SHE got in the car. That way, another parent was going to have to know my pain. Childish? Of course! But the mom has her own issues that I am going to be addressing with her.

SHE likes to tell me that all her friends are afraid of me because I yell at her. SHE never tells her friends that she is a little terror and deserves every word and more. I don't care that they don't like me. I am not fond of drug-taking, shoplifting, sexually active little turdblossoms who run the streets all night because their parents are either too drunk to care or not ever home to know. I WANT them to be afraid of me because I want my child to see what happens when a parent doesn't give a damn about their kids.

Now, BFF's mom (aka Mommy K)--there's a winner. I like the woman somewhat, but she has her own issues.

She is a cancer survivor and is still dealing with the aftermath, so she has gone all new-age on her family. Chakras and auras and homeopathic medicines for everyone is her answer to all woes. BFF has a twin with some of the same issues as SHE does--mom's answer? Vitimins and burning candles. I am not sure the girl is getting meds or therapy. I doubt it because she is quite withdrawn and spends as much time away from the rest of the household as possible. The oldest boy joined the Army as soon as he could. The next son is a clone of HER. Same symptoms and actions, but with no control--the irony is that SHE thinks it is so sad that the 2nd son talks to his mom the way SHE talks to me, but cannot make the connection about how it is no different than how she talks to me. The husband is a non-entity, but stays there because they cannot afford to get divorced in this economy. I gather Mommy K sleeps in one or the other of the girls' room because hubby took over the master bedroom.

Now Mommy K fills my daughter's head full of crap when she is over there. One thing that really pisses me off is BFF constantly telling MY kid that her mom would come and take HER if she heard me yelling at her. I am also pissed that the woman tells my kid that I am too "aggressive" for her and I need therapy, not her. Seriously? This from a woman who has a completely disfunctional house, kids who are either running away or abusing her, and one who will most likely be the one to get knocked up or end up in jail because she is ignored in favor of BFF who is an honor roll student and a cheerleader (and a liar).

Am I aggressive*? In the sense that I am boldly assertive and forward, yes. That I expect the best effort and that I am forceful and enterprising as well as " vigorously energetic, esp. in the use of initiative and forcefulness"--also yes. In the sense that I am "characterized by or tending toward unprovoked offensives, attacks, invasions, or the like; militant forward or menacing"--well that is bullsmack. That would be HER. I have been told over and over that I have to be like a drill sargeant with HER because SHE needs to have exacting order in her life so that her internal friends don't get a chance to make poor decisions due to lack of control.

Meanwhile, SHE is still over at Mommy K's knowing that she has all the summer school homework to get done before Tuesday or she will flunk that, too. No work permit and she will have to take math again with the same teacher who screwed her over this past year... She knows, maybe she cares someplace in there (Krissy and Elly might care, maybe even Abby), but Salome thinks "she" is invincible and is like the red-hot poker behind the eyes goading HER to the worst.

Can anyone truly fault me for looking forward to HER being gone for almost two weeks? I freakin' need the rest!


*Definitions from Dictionary.com

Just another day in purgatory

For a while it seemed things were getting better, then POW! The Beast comes out in the worst places and at the worst times. Today, it was at the mall. "Krissy" decided the neighbor girl she used to be friends with needed a makeover. So off to the mall we went--ostensibly to seek out less manly clothes for the young lady.

Two minutes after we walked into a particularly favorite store of most of the Crew, Krissy had a pile of stuff she wanted me to buy for her. I was about to sort it out when she announced that she had promised to buy some crap thing for a friend of hers. SHE had promised to buy with MY money!!! Um... No. I told her that if she insisted I buy something for some person I loathe because she "promised already" then she could not have the things she wanted for herself because my budget is already stretched too thin. That was the last I saw of Krissy. The Beast emerged and decided to become obnoxious, loud and profane in her response to the compromise offered. She also lashed out physically again, punching me in the breasts because some idiot told her that hitting a breast can cause cancer. And, yes--I jerked her around after that and should have beaten her butt in public, mental illness or not. But The Beast knows where she has a sympathetic audience and chooses her forums carefully. I would have been in handcuffs before the first swat on the behind.

I just took the friend and left to show her some other stores that might be more to her taste. The Beast followed us and screamed at me to "get back in there NOW", this followed by her grabbing my bag so hard she broke the straps. It was all I took not to toss her over the side of the balcony.

The Beast stayed around for most of the afternoon, causing issues all along the way--cursing at me, slapping and otherwise being as ugly as possible.

It took nearly an hour before Danya emerged just long enough to tell me that the promised item was for a birthday present. Had I been presented with that information to begin with, my reaction would have been far different. But I cannot stand being told by a child that I "WILL" do anything. Once I knew it was a birthday present, I had no issue with buying the item in question. However, it does mean no extras for the rest of the week. The Beast, Danya and Krissy do not understand the concept of a budget--they all actually commented that I could use a credit card or one of my debit cards because I need to buy them what they ask for.

In two weeks, the Crew is going back home to visit family for a long week. I am so looking forward to a break. From them, from the lowlife "friends", from the stress...

Those damned "friends" have discovered The Beast will cooperate with them and so they call her to ask me for rides, for money, for other stuff their own parents cannot get for them. They use her for what they can get out of her and steal what she won't willingly give them. In fact, just a little while ago, the neighbor saw someone trying to go into her bedroom. Luckily, she woke up and whoever it was took off. But the mere fact someone tried to come into our house pisses me off. I have no doubt that it was one of those lowlifes attempting to steal her clothes or something. Now waiting for the cops... That ought to take about three hours.

Idiot child!!!

SHE finally called me to get her at almost noon today. She looked like she had been sleeping under a bridge. Come to find out, that was pretty close. The mother of the girl she was supposed to be spending the night at had no clue and kicked everyone out of the house last night around 11 PM. Instead of calling me to come get her, SHE (along with Danya, I suspect) decided that she was going to stick around with her so-called nasty-ass friends and sleep on her friend's front stoop because she wanted to spend the night outside.

At least I got a dose of meds into her when I brought her and a friend (see below) back to the house. SHE has been skipping her regular dosages and it is showing in the worst way possible. SHE does not understand that she is making worse and worse choices for herself. I am just happy she was not committed to the fashion show today. One look at her current condition and she would have been laughed out of the building.

SHE has also started back to hanging out with that loser girl who is in foster care (FCG). One day with her and SHE is hunting for the pink hair dye again--literally. I have it hidden and SHE is NOT going to have access to it any time soon. Getting it out the last time almost rendered her bald. This time, she would end up bald with no chance of it ever growing back. But those things are crowded out by the chorus telling her that it would make her cooler and that it would come out so easy if she does it different this time.

FCG also convinced her that it would be OK to take Sharpies and draw all over the bedroom door. "You can just buy a new door, 'K?" I guess SHE hasn't noticed that her little pal is going to hell as she exists now and doesn't seem to have any compunction about dragging her friends down with her.

The foster parents don't even know where FCG is, I'll bet. I've met the people. I believe they are in it for the checks and not because they want to help. Of course, we are talking about a system where a white teenage girl was placed with old Black people. Nothing racist here, but they have ZERO clue about what to do with this kid, so they are letting her roam the streets much the same as her real parents did.

SHE doesn't call by 6 PM, at 6:01, I call the cops to pick her up. Maybe not, but you know... The urgency of this...this problem is always poking me in the back to make good my threats to do so.

I am SO tired of this

SHE has decided not to come home again tonight. No meds (which I KNOW she is skipping when she goes to her friends' homes overnight), no change of clothes, other people's stuff... I am seriously contemplating going over to the place she says she is going to be and drag her out. But what good would it do? Do I tell every single parent of every one of her friends that my kid has mental disorders and *might* be dangerous?

I changed the passwords again on her MySpace accounts because I am tired of this. I am about to lock her phone again so the only texts/calls she can get would be from me.

I am so sick of her talking to me like I am a freakin' menial. I am also sick of her thinking that SHE is in charge of everything. I am sick of trying to deal with ten different people with the same face.

I got six of them today and, at times, it seemed like they were coming at me as if on a merry-go-round--one after the other in a rapid circle. I at least got Abby for a little while. For a few brief moments, I had my sweet little girl who loves me and respects me. Then Beast took over and that was it. Cussing me out, calling me names, hanging up the phone non-stop...

This may be the breaking point that decides the trip to the hospital. Only--I can't reach a single doctor on the weekend to pre-cert the stay. It will involve both insurances, so that is going to be a big problem. Insurance A will allow the psychologist to cert, but not Insurance B--it requires the psychiatrist to do the papers. Trying to get the latter to do paperwork is like pulling freaking hens' teeth. Trying to REACH him is like looking for hens' teeth in the first place. That is what is holding up the IEP at the school and many other things--the shrink is never around to sign forms.

The other day, when SHE wandered off, she swears some guy tried to get her in his car. SHE got away that time, but what about the next? SHE thinks I would be happy to see her gone, but that is so far from the truth. I just want her to be stable enough to function fully in society and not on the fringes, which is kind of where she is now. Unfortunately, many of her friends are just as mental as she is and so that fringe life DOES look "normal" to her.

I am so tempted to take any job offered me to get her out of this place before she ends up on 4th Street with someone beating her up for not making her quota... That is what happened to someone I know who was just like my child and it scares the death out of me.

As for my health--I went to work sick because I can't just wonder off at random like some people. I have to make sure there is a roof over our heads, food in the bowls and sanitary facilities. That last is a joke because Danya throws everything on the floor, being too good to deal with trash cans. That is what the maid (me) is for. I hate Danya.

My work IS being affected because SHE calls me non-stop from the time she wakes up and picks fights with me. She wants me to take her all over town on my 30-minute lunch period, come home to open a can of vegetables or to tell her where SHE lost one of her things in the trash heaps SHE has created. I have just about given up keeping the house presentable because Beast will throw things all over the place to find an eyeliner. God forbid any of the crew puts anything back in its proper place (though Abby may occasionally hang up a towel).

The latest favorite thing of the Beast is to hit or kick my breasts because someone told her that doing so would cause cancer. I have already had problems with cysts and lesions, so I guess that one will get her wish re causing more problems. Thing is, none of them have figured out that killing me means SHE will be institutionalized as no one in the family wants to deal with any of her issues.

This has got to stop!!

Just about every night this week, SHE has wandered off to someone's house to stay the night. I do not know what she is looking for at those other places, but she is not finding it. Two days this week she has skipped her meds (claiming to have forgotten), each time resulting in the Beast waking up.

We came to blows Monday night because she lost her mind over a misunderstood request about t-shirt designs. SHE swung a wooden craft box at me and (sad to say) I hit her near her eye. SHE then tried to scratch my right eye out. I have a slight tear on the cornea and have been seeing fuzzy all week. But that matters not to her. It is all good if it hurts ME.

To make matters worse, her BFF's mother is very New Age and is trying to "help" her with meditation and crystals. This woman means well, but she does not "get" that what SHE has is different than what the BBF's sister has. I am tired of having to constantly explain to people that they cannot indulge my daughter's outrageous antics or encourage her to express her feelings the way SHE wants to. That only results in a display of verbal sewage worthy of the Diceman.

It makes it so hard to talk about the good things she has achieved these last few weeks. SHE managed to squeak by with a D in English, so she does get to go to the 8th grade if she takes Math in summer school. It won't happen because she won't stay around the house to go. She's also picked up a new art skill--making resin jewelry. Expensive hobby for me to deal with, but she is doing something besides playing on MySpace, eating or wandering the streets.

In fact, her street wandering almost got her in a lot of trouble. SHE claims someone saw her wandering around when she locked herself out of the house and tried to convince her to get in his car. The story she tells is that, when he went to reach for her, she grabbed her hairspray out of her tote bag and sprayed him in the eyes, then ran. No description of guy or car, of course. IF it happened, good for her for having quick reflexes. But that should have told her that people are NOT nice and they DO try to snatch up girls even in broad daylight. Nope. She is at her friend's house again and she plans to walk home by herself in the morning when she wakes up. I really am afraid I will get a call to come ID her body one day soon because SHE thinks she is invincible when Beast and Danya take over.

OMFG!!!

This is insane. She has disappeared to some random kid's house and refuses to answer the phone. This random kid is in the background, encouraging her to be rude and hang up. Who the hell names their daughter "Sinister"? This is the kind of people my mentally ill child thinks are fine to be around instead of kids that go to school, do their homework and otherwise at least try to achieve normalcy.

This is the week I call the hospital, I think. I wanted her to get through the school year (at least passing English so she can go to the 8th grade) and maybe making a good impression with some auditions at the showcase later this month. But it isn't going to happen and I am a fool for ever hoping for anything wonderful to come out of her life.

One thing is quite sure--there will NOT be any puppies brought into this house because I fear for the life of any small creatures she comes in contact with. Not even the semi-wild kittens under the house would be safe. I would almost consider sleeping armed, but I know that is just silly.

Another banner week

Hair from rainbow to blond to dookie brown/yellow to black...

Several fights, culminating in a physical altercation yesterday... She got pissed because I wouldn't buy any more hair dye for her (or her "friend" who she claimed promised to pay her back). This resulted in her throwing a fit in the middle of a beauty supply store (where I foolishly stopped to get her a specialty comb--I lost her other one by accident at a park). Even one of the clerks came up and told her to shut up and stop calling me names and slapping at me.

By the time we got home, she had gone into full "Beast" mode, dragging all the junk she had in the living room back into her room and swearing she wanted to stay in there forever. When I started restricting her phone, unplugging the house phone, changing her computer passwords, etc. she came out and trashed my work equipment. Then she went after other things of mine. At that point, I tried to restrain her and she bit me. I tackled her and got her on the ground to stop further damage to either property or person. Unfortunately, she scraped her knee pretty badly and that started another round of yelling and her trying to attack me.

I tried to help her clean the scrape and bandage it, which resulted in her screaming that I can't touch her, that I am abusive and that she wants me to die immediately. This at the same time she keeps saying she has decided she must die at exactly the moment she turns 15. I wonder if the new meds are a factor in this? The Beast does not come out as often on the new stuff, but the appearance and actions when it does is more intense and scary.

I finally just left her to stew in her room until she came out and made the first non-combative (albeit rude as hell) overture. She asked me to type in the passwords for her and then asked for dinner. By the time dinner was ready, "Ella" was visiting and we spent the evening together watching TV and then a movie.

The night before this, she insisted on inviting her latest BFF to come along to a therapy visit--where she immediately started calling me names and insisting I was lying because I am not clearing all my finances with her. Her schit is costing me a lot and, while I do like to get her things when all the bills are paid, she does not want to wait. She is a master of the stealth purchase, sneaking items onto the conveyor belt at the last minute and then creating a scene when I catch her. But I am the liar because I tell her we cannot afford something if I make a purchase that SHE has not approved. Then she went on and on about how I am lying when I tell her I am sick because I still go to work no matter what--this because she wants to stay home from school for the slightest ache. Then, in the middle of the session, she got up and went out to the waiting area to tell her BFF that I was lying to the doctor about her and was trying to get her put away right that moment. Luckily, BFF's sister has similar issues and the poor girl knew that the BS is part of the condition.

Sad thing is--the first thing I told the therapist was how proud I was because she went to school THREE days this past week.

Ten minutes after the session, we were at the park and Beast was gone, replaced by "Kristie". The rest of the evening went OK. Yesterday before the meltdown was OK. She had an acting class which, by all accounts, went fine (other than her agent having a fit over the black hair, Emo makeup and her not being in ballet anymore). Again, reasonably long stretchs for her... If I can get three or four hours in a row, I consider that a long time.




I am not sure who is going to wake up first this morning, though.