A longer winter and spring

That evaluation was a long time ago. It was also about the last time SHE was home for any length of time.

SHE showed up at the last minute for the court psychologist, who was not sure what the hell to do with her, so he said to wait for the next court date (a few days later). Well, Ms. Smartass took off the night before that date and went off with Anyway, she called me a scant two hours before court to come get her so she could change clothes and clean up.

SHE was stoned out of her mind and the judge got that right away and put her under house arrest with a tracking device after ordering her to residential care (once a placement could be arranged). That lasted about five days before she invited that turd adult male over to sleep on our patio. This is the same turd who was using her to refer "customers" to him for drugs. He was also supplying them to her. I ordered him off my property and she took off with him--WITH the tracker on! I filed a police report because I was not in the mood to be in a position where I might have to ID a body otherwise. SHE called me again just a few hours before the next court hearing to get her.

Yes, SHE was stoned again when she went before the judge and he remanded her into custody while the treatment was arranged.

I could and will write a book about THAT nightmarish process. It should have taken, at the most, a month for placement but it dragged out for months. Since my insurance was going to be used to pay the majority of the costs, I insisted on a say on where my money would be going. I didn't want her in that pimp academy in Utah (CW), that was for certain. Just about everyone I know who ever had a daughter sent to that place ended up having to retrieve them from a street corner hundreds of miles away--open campus near a major interstate and in a neighborhood not known for its genteel atmosphere, if you get my drift.

I wanted her in a facility in the city where she was born, both to get her as far away from here as possible and to make sure some family would be around for support. I have a pile of emails where that supposedly was going to happen, but then a PO got a case of the ass and bolloxed it up.

October rolled by and she missed Halloween for the first time ever. Into November, the judge making the decision had to go on leave because his wife had a baby and the sub judge refused to make any rulings. Meanwhile, SHE found a way to cut while in jail and ended up in an acute ward for a while. That should have put her on the fast track to the treatment facility. Again, I have the emails where there was even a promise that she would be on the plane to Hometown Facility "within days", but then there were "delays".

Out of the acute ward and back into jail meanwhile... SHE was getting a great education on where she could "bounce", several invitations to join girls and their pimps, a few drug connections, etc. But no psychiatric help. SHE continued to hurt herself, but they kept her in isolation in the cell block when she did that. Finally, the regular judge got back and got pissed because she was still there. He ordered her home to wait just before Christmas, again with the ankle tracker. Why? Because he rightfully believed jail was no place for her; he also believed the bullcrap that the POs were tossing about placement being "any day now".

This last Christmas was the most hellish I think I have ever gone through in years and there were some bad years! SHE was belligerent, threatening, defiant and still sure she was 10 feet tall and bulletproof. I would go to work and she would invite the turd and his buddies over to the house where they would eat all the food, steal my stuff and blatantly help her break more laws. The breaking point was the night I went to a PTA meeting and they came to my house again, bringing drugs with them again. I got home and the assholes were in my driveway bold as brass. I chased them off again and threatened to call the cops.

SHE swore they had just stopped by minutes before, so I wouldn't get her in trouble. Against my better judgement, I let it go. But I did report it to that stupid PO who was supposed to be monitoring her but who never did her damned job.

Next day, I got a call from the school to get there right away, My daughter was freaking out and had gone to a counselor to get help for her "meth addiction". SHE was still on a whatever it is you call a tweaker high and had gotten paranoid. When I got there, there were counselors and nurses and campus cops all taking statements and trying to find her PO (voice mail full AGAIN). SHE was on a crying jag and begging everyone not to get her in trouble, the cops were telling me I better take her to the hospital or have child services on ME, the counselors were getting in my face... I told the cops to call an ambulance because I knew trying to take her in my car would end up badly. We spent the entire rest of the day at the ER while they pumped her full of stuff to flush her system.

Meanwhile, the little beotch was texting her friends that she was planning a "house arrest party" for the next day while I was at work. The hospital released her to me after another psych eval (they couldn't get her in that night or they would have taken her) and a discussion with the PO supervisor. Got to the house--there was some random friend sitting there waiting to have a sleepover. Her mother just dropped her off and left without a question or a way to reach her, so I was stuck.

SHE and her friend claimed they were going to just make cupcakes and "chill". I still had to work the next morning, but I put out the word on her social network accounts that I would take action against anyone showing up for that proposed party. Mid-afternoon, my neighbor called because they were herding her into a squad car. I expected it and tried to warn her, but she insisted on that party. That was the Saturday after New Year's. It was also the last time she has been home.

More acute ward because she was banging her head and arms on walls, more court dates, more lies by the POs, more pissed-off judge who was worried because he didn't want Katie Couric to find out he was not that smart (he's supposed to be some sort of crusader/protector of at-risk girls). It took three weeks to get her placed, but not where I wanted because of all the drama. She ended up at the other end of the same state, though.

I didn't get to see her off because I had to work pretty much non-stop that week and some jerk higher-up decided to make me miserable for trying to take time off to deal with her. I was at the tail end of a 90-hour week when I found out she had already been put on a plane (in the middle of the night, no less) and shipped out. That resulted in me cussing said jerk out, loudly and specifically.

So, SHE has been gone since the end of January and spent her 15th birthday 2000 miles away from here. I got to see her last month for a long weekend. But I do get the dubious privilege of paying all the bills (so no bitching about support money--see below about insurance) because *someone* still has crappy insurance that doesn't cover any of the care. There is some improvement, but she still obsesses over money and even today had a meltdown because she didn't like hearing she couldn't get a job at her age, especially since she would still be on probation when she got out. Her choice of jobs also caused a confrontation because she thinks she could be a DJ at the same rave venues where the people who gave her drugs still hang out.

To be honest, I don't think she is ready to come home and I am not ready for her to come home. I also have healing to do, but just can't get there. Or motivated to deal with the wreck SHE made of the house... Besides, my boss thinks me not having a kid in the house means that I can work pretty much 24/7 for free.

The sad thing is that I love her, but am so scared of the prospect that SHE might possibly be brought back home in just a few weeks (I suspect it would be more because my insurance doesn't want to pay anymore for full residential). I have had a physical break, but I still need to get over the shit I've also had to deal with for the past several years. I think back to that scene in the parking lot of her ballet school a few years back when she melted down and wish I had just taken her to the nearest facility then. Maybe then, I wouldn't be afraid of her to be around me without backup.